copper_crescendo

Somedays I just have to wonder what is wrong with myself...

Like today for example. I heard back from a woman I had a date with last week - a date that I thought went really well. The call however indicated otherwise - she thinks I'm all right and all that but just wants to be friends. Nothing in particular, just that spark doesn't exist.

And I have this feeling, this rage of emotions, that wants to confront her - why not? What's the matter with me? Can you pinpoint it or is it something the matter with you that makes me appear that way to you?

I realize, of course, that these thoughts are better left unsaid. I say thank you for your honesty, and that I'd rather have something honest than untrue, I probably say yea I'm cool being your friend we'll go for beers...

But...

It still tears me up inside.

And here's the fucked up part - I totally have something good going with another girl - date number 4 coming up and I'm enjoying every minute of it; yet every thought is how I'm obviously not good enough and don't deserve anyone anyways. I'll find a way to fuck up this date number 4, or maybe I'll let it be good until date number 10 and then fuck it up in some monumental way that only I could achieve.

I say this because I want all the terribleness I can arrange for myself. And that, to say, is a lot.

Yes there is a lot of misfortune in my future - self wrought, the best kind. I will get what I believe I deserve - in the end, misery - tumultuous and desperate. I will do these things to myself, put myself in these situations, because that's what I figure I deserve.

God somedays I'm so unhappy with myself.