Christmas for me is a great time of cheer and love and sharing, and food, and sometimes, the dreaded tiredness of an introvert hangover. But for me also, it is a great time of Loneliness, sadness, depression, bad memories, childhood trauma, and a reminder, that no matter how far you travel or grow, or move, the echoes of the past are always here, to remind you, of the darker times.
I had gotten a lot better at ignoring these thoughts and emotions, not dwelling, but the past 3 years, have been plenty brutal, to join in my childhood trauma's, so now, I'll have another 30 years or working on it, to get to a decent state, which is bleak to think about.
Pneumonia, got me last Christmas, ended up in the hospital for a short stay, was not good, and prompted a look at how actually lonely and isolated I am, sinking me down into the embrace of anxiety and depression again. The year before, My partner of 15 years decided she no longer wanted to be with me, which is fine really, just crappy timing, and feelings.
So all in all, I want to be Santa, but feel more like the Grinch, for people tend to ruin it for me. I'm lonely, so terribly lonely, life has gone to shit rapidly, poor, unmotivated, depressed, anxiety-ridden, and convinced I have BPD, due to how self-destructive I am, with life, employment and relationships, friends, or more.
I'm not after sympathy or wrapped up in self-pity, just needed to expel some inner thoughts, before, they consume and kill me. I'll survive and forge onwards, but right now, I'm so tired, I just want to enter the eternal sleep.