burtlo

I sometimes play a game while I'm walking alone. I will close my eyes while continuing down the street and see how far I can make it before I open my eyes again. I try to trust my memory of the surroundings and the put trust in my other senses. I never get very far before I find myself with my eyes cracked slightly or completely open again. I am using a poor metaphor to illustrate this point.

I don't trust myself.

I could probably qualify that with: enough. But, to me, the qualification would reduce the resulting potency and the sense of urgency that arises within me. I was reminded of this recently when I read the document I mentioned previously.

Reading the document brought a level of reassurance. There were concepts that supported in very general terms my thoughts, my ideas, and my experiences. I was amazed. However, after finishing my read through I felt sharply disappointed in myself. Why had I doubted myself as much as I did? Why did this reassurance feel so good?

It is often a welcome sigh of relief when I push myself into new emotional and physical areas and find others there as well. But why? Why is it that I cannot stand alone?

In all of my previous relationships I used reciprocation of physical gestures and verbal gestures to create a sense of reassurance. If I grabbed her hand and squeezed, not receiving a similar, timely squeeze back felt like there was a disconnect. I also was fearful of being the first to verbalize my feelings if I did not think that it would be shared by my partner. I was scared that I would stand alone, the fool.

The Pick Up community refers to this as "Compliance Testing." Squeezing the hand and receiving a squeeze back means that you have compliance. It's a tool to gauge whether the perspective target is interested. You act, or proceed to other stages of interaction after you have established compliance. I have come to the conclusion that it is unnecessary and absolutely should be seen as a set of training wheels that one should immediately discard.

My last relationship helped me verbalize my desires and remove a number of these expectations. An action became about what I wanted to convey and not a means to convey and generate a response. My desires, previously stated in the comfort of acceptance, were confidently given when they were felt.

I felt lost at first, hopelessly groping in the darkness. But that feeling quickly subsided and I found my feet and saw the forest for the trees.

My journey through life will hopefully lead me into more areas which are not charted, sparsely populated, and poorly lit. I need to trust myself. For certainly a mis-step outweighs the consequences of where inaction will find me; within the confines of an unfulfilled existence. Which in this Red Queen's race is most certainly a kind of death.