buckknuckle

Everything is falling apart and it's liberating in some dark way. It's what you've expected to happen for years, most of your adult life. You secretly hope to be a street person in the end, to have and be nothing. You also know that won't happen. You'll come through it like you always have, just a little more jaded and self centered. You try to treat this all as a joke that you are in on. All you've wanted is to be on the inside of something, so don't complain that the joke you are on the inside of is your life.

You made yourself go to a show by yourself. You almost turned around and went home. Two songs in and you were crying. Thankfully those places are always dark. The woman standing next to you kept looking at you and you tried to dry the tears with your shirt as non chalantly as possible. There's no reason for you to be crying. You know these songs, some have been with you for several years now, you should be immune to it. You are a grown man and here you are unable to stop crying because some guy is up on a stage singing about his heartbreak, not yours. And your heart isn't even broken, really. It's hurt maybe. In fact, you've hidden your heart pretty well for years now, so why does it have to open now? Why do you cry now when you didn't cry at your mom's funeral? Perhaps you cry now because of self pity. You can't cry for someone you love, but you can cry for yourself, and the place you are in. How appropriate.