bloodpudding

Christmas has come and gone and now it's New Year's around the bend, the worst time of year for me. So many people celebrate the passage of time and scramble toward whatever is impending, and I get so reflective of the people time has taken from me that I'm apprehensive about what's around the next corner. The care free days of my youth are over, yet the I don't give a shit days of my old age haven't kicked in yet. What's a boy to do? Sobriety is difficult at best, I haven't reached the better life everyone encourages me with. People claim that once you hit rock bottom you can bounce back and have all this wonderfulness ahead of you as you recover. My mistake was deciding it didn't matter once I'd already lost everything, why not stay the course? By slowly rebuilding my life while clinging to my vices I felt I had somehow validated myself, proved myself better than the average statistic. Never set your goals so low you've already attained them. I'm upbeat and supportive of others when they need me but just don't have the juice sometimes to get myself through the real doldrums. I've had two friends that killed themselves, two friends that killed each other, and an exwife that made me wish I hadn't been born.

Boo hoo. This isn't me, this is the bullshit that causes my ruination every year, the remembrance of loss. I need to remember I can lose much more by never discovering it, can be something by the very act of attempting it. I'd rather be a failure than a wannabe. I have a lot going for me, it's just a seasonal mindfuck. I can list it here without fear of retribution because noone has ever posted anything here. So either I'm boring enough noone cares, or I haven't inspired anyone to respond. Any feedback would be great, be negative, be positive, just so I have something new to focus on.