bittersuite102116

so i was so totally filled to the brim with bitter on wednesday. after months of build up (one could even say years) it all came down to goddamn ohio. which isnt surprising, but really i am more bitter and angry at the so called evangelical voter who pretty much just took over the country, again. i bet they weren't led in at all by all of the gay marraige ban propositions were they? hey vote to keeps fags in their place and by the way vote for bush while you're here. what pisses me off the most is that Hicksville, USA is running our country now. the people who think the whole media is liberal, the left wing is controlled by michael moore and hollywood actors, europe is just as bad as the terrists (terrorists or all arabs if you will), and that freedom is on the march , god willing.

SECULAR look it up in the dictionary, douches. guess what, if our country is bugged down by christians doing god's work for eveyone here you can still be christian and if the country isnt bugged down by you you can STILL BE CHRISTIAN. not everyone wants to live by your fucking rules and laws. how the hell did bush win the "moral vote". is it moral that over 100,000 iraqis have died since we have been there? i know what the right's argument is,"oh well saddam killed more iraqis than we have and their people live in freedom". so it is better that it is our fault so many have died? and is anyone willing to go live in that bastion of freedom we call iraq now? yeah i thought not.

so yeah i guess i got over it by now even with that long ass rant. i could barely even talk to my fellow coworkers who voted for bush on wednesday. in my head i was thinking 'gee thanks, you dont even know what you just did do you?". i havent taken my kerry/edwards bumper sticker off my car yet. i guess i am waiting for soem asshole in a too big dodge truck to flip me off before i feel like the faux advertisment was worth it. im not even a registered democrat either, i be an independant.

i dont think i can get any lonelier. i dont even think just spelled lonlier correctly. woke up at about 10 this morning and played gfa for a while. got tired of losing and then cleanded the kicthen and mopped some. we have tile in the living room so its a little weird mopping the living room floor. i feel bad becasue this latest bout of depression has come on because my sister said she's going to hawaii with her boyfriend in december. it just made me realize even more that i don't have anyone. and nothing to look forward to. and how i probably could have that right now but i was so immature emotionally in the past that i killed whatever i had going for me. i dont know what to do, i keep telling myself to look forward and enjoy this 'freedom' but that black wave of despair creeps in like my programming tells it to and deep down inside i just want it to end and i think that i have the ultimate power to end it one way or another.
i really miss my old life. i dreamed about my frist girlfriend A last night. we were together for 3.5 years from 6/94-12/97. it was one of those dreams that depresses the hell out of you when you wake up and realize it's all just a figment of the imagination. but it got me thinking a lot today. about how i know what i want now but i dont have anything and how i had no fucking clue of what i wanted back then but i had it all. have you ever felt like you are chasing something you cant have? well i envy you becasue i have nothing to chase.