bittersuite102116

well the rest of the weekend was sad. i finally got out on saturday night, my friend invited me to this halloween party with a bunch of poeple form her cosmetology school. so i thought hey bitchin there'll be a lot of girls there,maybe i can practice actually talking to some. except i forgot that i have a hard time socializing. it's just a failure i have always had, i think i just hate small talk so much. so anyways, i didn't have anything to dress up as. everyone else but one person was so that made me feel a little uncomfortable at first plus i didn't know anybody and there were a lot of very attractive females and that always intimidates me. so i poured a really big glass of bacardi select i brought and probably not enough coke. i was dissapointed they didnt have pepsi. i then broke my usualy rule and didn't hesitate to drink that in 30 minutes and pour another right away. what can i say, i get more comfortable in crowds the more inebriated i get. i wasn't like slohsed off my ass but i was good enough to be uber jubilant. talked to some people , told a joke made people laugh and everything. then my friend won 2nd place in costume contest, she was like a zombie nuthouse patient. she had to take a big shot of jack (daniels) but she cant becasue she's on anit depressants, so i got nominated to take it. i think that put me over the edge. soon after i was kind of wandering around, or smoking , or standing there trying to shake off the fact that i was really nowhere close to sober. i was mad at myself becasue i am out and i could actually be talking to people and i couldnt. i tried to sit down and talk to this one girl she had gone to the kings game and i started talking about basketball but then i didnt feel right and the cigarette smoke from others was actually making me feel werid so i kind of ran off and stood by myself in the cold outside. i wasn't even really wanting to hit on anyone i just liked the feeling of being out and actually around nice people i had never met before. they had a really cool party though, they turned the garage into a little mini nigthclub, watched people dance....i would've except it's weird for me around people i don't know. i ended up in the living room where the couch was way too comfortabel to not sit on. i opened my eyes and this one girl was in front of me dancing like giving a pseudo lapdance but then moved away when she saw i had opened my eyes. so i moved onto the other couch fell asleep and then woke up and got driven home.
fin

oh and then sunday. this is what really depressed me. i was in a football knockout pool that had gotten up to $2,000 with about 24 people left and i lost. my pick, the rams, lost to the only winless team in the league. thanks a lot fuckers. so i had three more tries in an online one but it's so hard to win because there's like over 1,000 people in those. i lost on the broncos tonight, thanks a lot too you fuckers. so i have two more tries left. this is probably way more exciting/excruciating to me than anyone else.

i bought interpol's new cd, its alright but i already had it like 3 months ago. guess i felt like i had to buy it.

heard elliott smith's post mordem cd today for the first time. it made me cry. partly because he knew he was going to kill himself when he was making these songs and that you can tell he knew he was going to a better place.most of his lyrics really hit home, that's a really not often thing with me because i usually think lyrics are secondary to the music. and partly because i feel like an asshole for not listening to him before he died.

i can't remember what other music i got, i will have tomake a list sometime of all the stuff i am into recently. i made a mix cd for an online trade on a pumpkins messageboard i am on. i must say it really is good. people should hear it.