bionicfemme

Reflecting tonight...trying to get out of the whiny, funky mood i've been in.

And I do apologize for that. The past month (but this week in particular) has been nothing but bitchfighting, pissing and moaning.

Just trying to lie down and chill tonight. I'm thinking of the places i've lived in, the women I have been and the women I have loved...various points in my life that warm my heart and others that chill me to the bone.

I suppose the thing that has made me depressed/angry the past month or so is just the feeling i'm trapped in some airtight plastic box quickly closing in...I've tried every way to meet girls and none of them seem to work, I only think of Natalie. I know, I know, when you're not searching, blah blah blah. Problem is that if you're gay, you MUST be searching to find someone. You have to go to specific establishments where it's OK for you to hit on people. You can't, like, go to the supermarket and just accidentally find your girlfriend. If you aren't actively searching, you need a community. I don't have one. I'm basically the wise master sage that the greenhorn lesbians/bi girls come to as a guide and then they leave my academy at the Isle of Lesbos wiser then, they find their girls and they don't look back. I like to help the new kids. But my heart goes out to them when the woman they love eventually breaks their heart and I know it will only get more difficult for them over time.

And in the lesbian community, everything is underground, basically. The only way you find out about hip places to go is by word of mouth, by going to place A and finding a flyer for place B and then place C...you really have to go out there and search for places to hang out, it took me forever to find my way in at first. So if I gave up searching, i'd lose my way out of the loop pretty quick.

Natalie and I talked last night about how the same women all look the same and think the same and go to the same places and they have the same personalities...all just a blur. Just a blur.

And the repetitive experience has made me cruel. It's like electrocuting a test subject when they get an answer wrong. I feel like I keep giving the wrong answer and the shit just gets shocked out of me. Do it enough times and the animal snaps.

I want to get the answer right for once. Find the cheese at the end of the maze, if you will.

And with such a small lesbian supply, competition is high. There is always someone prettier than me or funnier than me or sexier than me or whatever. Seems like I can't win. So I just get shocked again.

So I feel cruel. And I keep feeling nostalgic for the times when I thought that any day now, I could meet a girl and fall in love. I was happy and naive. Every day I dreamed. Even though I didn't have anyone, I was content because I had hope. Like a curious baby.

Then I was slaughtered by Natalie, she exploited it all.

And her apologies help. I feel better now. But what is left is hideous. I am left wondering if there is a way to become normal again.


P.S. Now I am in love with both MisterSatan and Oipthestampede, I will make Backstreet Boy-esque posters of them to place next to my suicidegirl pictures on the wall.