In the following spoiler is a large meaningless (unless you're a chef) rant about my lunch today.
SPOILERS! (Click to view)
It was the best of times, It was the worst of times. Not just famous words, that about sums up my lunch this evening (I wake up pretty late so I eat lunch around like 6pm er so). I had this mad serious hankering for some linguini with clams. Looked online to see what Italian restaurants were near my work here and went to this place called Marios. Oh man it was horrible, most disgusting restaurant I ever been to, and I almost exclusively look for the out of the way off the wall places for every meal I have. It was more of a pizza place with the projection tv displaying ESPN and even for one of those places that often have the sawdust on the floor n such, it still put those places to shame.
Still, me being the nutritional masochist that I am I ordered and the girl, who was just as sweet as anyone I ever met, came back saying they didn't have any linguini. I sat there for a second with a hundred things running through my head to the tune of "the 99c store 4 stores over store sells lil packets of linguini" "the albertsons half a mile away sells fresh pasta" "why does an Italian restaurant not have any linguini half hour before diner time starts?" "what in the hell am I doing here?". For a second I thought about leaving, but no way. I was stickin with it. Besides, there was this nice looking gal playing on the video games right in front of me. She seemed kindo old to be playing video games at a run down pizza joint like this but who was I to complain? So long as that cute butt of hers kept wrigglin while she kicked those digital bastards asses I was a happy man.
Fast forward through a half hour of swatting flies, hearing the cute gals retarded brother (litterally retarded, not figuratively, the guy was 17 years old standing on his knees on the italian flag colored bench by the table he was sitting in front of shouting out "ONE! TWO! THREE!" like The Count from Sesame Street all the way up to 15 when he couldn't count any higher), the cute girl and retarded kids mom yelling I don't even KNOW what the whole time, and the four-way couple of eighty-somethings off to my left getting ready to commit hari-cari. Half hour of that and finally the sweet waitress girl came out with some bland smelling but otherwise normal garlic bread, crushed peppers that had undoubtably been taken straight off the table of a pizza hut restraunt, some solidified Kraft parmesan cheese in another of the pizza condiment shakers swiped from pizza hut, and placed it all on the table along with the most ungodly contraption I had ever seen my entire life. This was supposed to be lasagna however it looked a lot more like a lump of cottage cheese tossed into a bowl of mold laden Kool-Aid surrounded by a thick black crust of burned scabs caked onto the dish. It smelled like morning after pizza that the dog ate the cheese off dying half way through, leaving just the bread and marinara sauce.
Still, I was determined. I'm not one to give up easily and I wasn't givin up on these people! Not until I tried the smallest piece I could muster into my quivering mouth. Having given this place an honest shot I felt it was high time to get while the gettin was good. All the employees had put down their cleaning supplies (That was strange, the whole time everyone was cleaning, yet nothing was even remotely close to anything resembling clean) and headed into the back, undoubtedly to clear out incase I spontaneously combusted or something. I slipped out the door and scurried along the wall as close as I could hoping they wouldn't see me and come after me so I wouldn't have to say "Look, guys, that was horrid. I mean you're really nice and that was great, but dude ... c'mon". I got in my truck and thought to myself "please my lil $600 pickemup truck don't FAIL ME NOW!" This is the only time in my whole life that I've ever walked away from a meal without paying. Also surely the first time I walked away without eating anything. It was that bad. I seriously could not drive away fast enough.
Then, having lived through 35 of the more terrifying minutes of my life, I drove over to Crabby Bobs - a decent sit down seafood establishment - and got some linguini with REAL clams. To all the chefs out there, professional and at-home-in-the-kitchen-chefs, belive me, there is NO substitute for fresh steamed top quality clams still in the shell for linguini with clams. You can have the best damn home made noodles, the most perfect tomato or garlic n olive oil sauce ... the finest of everything, but if you don't have fresh top quality clams just steamed open, it's really going to be second rate pasta.
Still, me being the nutritional masochist that I am I ordered and the girl, who was just as sweet as anyone I ever met, came back saying they didn't have any linguini. I sat there for a second with a hundred things running through my head to the tune of "the 99c store 4 stores over store sells lil packets of linguini" "the albertsons half a mile away sells fresh pasta" "why does an Italian restaurant not have any linguini half hour before diner time starts?" "what in the hell am I doing here?". For a second I thought about leaving, but no way. I was stickin with it. Besides, there was this nice looking gal playing on the video games right in front of me. She seemed kindo old to be playing video games at a run down pizza joint like this but who was I to complain? So long as that cute butt of hers kept wrigglin while she kicked those digital bastards asses I was a happy man.
Fast forward through a half hour of swatting flies, hearing the cute gals retarded brother (litterally retarded, not figuratively, the guy was 17 years old standing on his knees on the italian flag colored bench by the table he was sitting in front of shouting out "ONE! TWO! THREE!" like The Count from Sesame Street all the way up to 15 when he couldn't count any higher), the cute girl and retarded kids mom yelling I don't even KNOW what the whole time, and the four-way couple of eighty-somethings off to my left getting ready to commit hari-cari. Half hour of that and finally the sweet waitress girl came out with some bland smelling but otherwise normal garlic bread, crushed peppers that had undoubtably been taken straight off the table of a pizza hut restraunt, some solidified Kraft parmesan cheese in another of the pizza condiment shakers swiped from pizza hut, and placed it all on the table along with the most ungodly contraption I had ever seen my entire life. This was supposed to be lasagna however it looked a lot more like a lump of cottage cheese tossed into a bowl of mold laden Kool-Aid surrounded by a thick black crust of burned scabs caked onto the dish. It smelled like morning after pizza that the dog ate the cheese off dying half way through, leaving just the bread and marinara sauce.
Still, I was determined. I'm not one to give up easily and I wasn't givin up on these people! Not until I tried the smallest piece I could muster into my quivering mouth. Having given this place an honest shot I felt it was high time to get while the gettin was good. All the employees had put down their cleaning supplies (That was strange, the whole time everyone was cleaning, yet nothing was even remotely close to anything resembling clean) and headed into the back, undoubtedly to clear out incase I spontaneously combusted or something. I slipped out the door and scurried along the wall as close as I could hoping they wouldn't see me and come after me so I wouldn't have to say "Look, guys, that was horrid. I mean you're really nice and that was great, but dude ... c'mon". I got in my truck and thought to myself "please my lil $600 pickemup truck don't FAIL ME NOW!" This is the only time in my whole life that I've ever walked away from a meal without paying. Also surely the first time I walked away without eating anything. It was that bad. I seriously could not drive away fast enough.
Then, having lived through 35 of the more terrifying minutes of my life, I drove over to Crabby Bobs - a decent sit down seafood establishment - and got some linguini with REAL clams. To all the chefs out there, professional and at-home-in-the-kitchen-chefs, belive me, there is NO substitute for fresh steamed top quality clams still in the shell for linguini with clams. You can have the best damn home made noodles, the most perfect tomato or garlic n olive oil sauce ... the finest of everything, but if you don't have fresh top quality clams just steamed open, it's really going to be second rate pasta.
So did you just give up the drinking and smoking for a night, or will this be a regular habit?