alyssum

I had this dream so completely weird and disturbing it turned my stomach, and I had to lie there and make sure I remembered it so I could write it down. First, I was riding on a motorcycle or something, like by remote control. I was in Utah but I was in Baltimore, trying to get closer to 80. Then I was in a store, my brother was there but he wasn't, like a voice in my ear. He kept asking me what I wanted to do, as we were moving around these boxes of games that were like we used to play as kids but not quite the same. Then he wasn't there, I was talking to him on the phone, he was telling me things had changed and he couldn't stay anymore. He sounded disappointed and I was sort of hurt and feeling left in the lurch. Then my mom was on the line, asking me what this meant for how long I wanted to come visit her mom's house every year. I didn't really want to, I felt obligated but wanted to get out of it.

Back to real life, this is the first time I've dreamt about him since he's been gone. Telling Mr. Moss about it, this is the first time I've cried about it since then too. I think this is the first time I felt like I could think about it. It'll have been his first birthday since he's been gone, there's a family reunion coming up that'll be the first too, and I really don't want to go without him there. I'm having some guilt about that, and that my friend's mom gave me her condolences a few days ago and I didn't know what she was talking about initially, and then Mr. Moss reminded me that it was coming up on July and I couldn't remember the significance for a second... I guess this is the first time I've been able to think about it without totally losing my shit.