abashima

Do you enjoy movies with tranquil meditative music, uniform visuals without color, and a so-thin plot that it won’t get in the way of your falling asleep? Then may I recommend Equals, a film perfect for when you need something in the background that won’t get your attention.

Do you enjoy movies about couples in peril, à la 2003’s Open Water, but worse and more ridiculous despite (because of?) a bigger budget? Then may I recommend Quicksand, which did nothing for me except to make me re-watch Open Water and, yeah, see that one instead of this one.

Do you enjoy entirely average disaster movies? Then may I recommend Greenland, a disaster film that does nothing wrong, really, with average thrills, predictable problems for the protagonists, a now old source of disaster (asteroid), and the usual levels of the usual things.

Do you enjoy period pieces to the point that you’re more interested in the period piece of it than the actual piece, er, story? Then may I recommend Highwaymen which is great for the period of it—I felt like I was in the 1930s—but the story is dully flat and uninteresting.

Do you enjoy tense simple thrillers that are effective in elevating your blood pressure and keeping it there for the duration? Then may I recommend Alone (2020) which does one thing only and does it well. Minimal cast, gorgeous location. Well executed.

Do you enjoy franchise movies that seem like they’re supposed to be motion pictures but are actually semi-pro productions that are perfunctorily directed by someone who just shouldn’t? Then may I recommend Jeepers Creepers: Reborn, which is…poor in every way—except for makeup.

Do you enjoy outstanding action movies with an unusually complex, unusual plot you will not expect, and complex, amazing multiple-person fight sequences? Then may I recommend Kill Boksoon, which does everything right—and more. Stay past the credits.

Great film.

Ms. Opal Huntress and Mr. Chase Cricket enjoying their morning.

Do you enjoy vampire movies with medium budget, worthwhile makeup and art direction, and the worst dialogue and plot possible in movies? Then may I recommend Subspecies 5: Bloodrise, which I saw entirely on impulse w/o seeing 1–4. That’ll learn me!*

*It will not.