A few weeks ago, I was talking with my mom, and she asked me hypothetically, what I would do with my life, if she and my dad happened to come into a lot of money for whatever reason. I'm sure she wanted to hear something to the extent of: going back to school, starting up a business, doing something productive, etc.
I didn't feel the need to lie though, so I told her the truth. Hypothetically, I would do nothing. I would lay on a couch with my head dangling off the edge, listening to music all day. Silently reveling inside my own head, alternating between beautiful clarity and blissful dissonance. I would take up photography for no good reason, develop my own film and make my own prints. Go to art galleries and get up as close as possible, so as to see actual brushstrokes (rather than fields of color, from across the room), if for no other reason than to bear witness to the fact that true and absolute provocation, a virtual kick in the teeth to people's sensibilities and preconceived notions, can come from the repetitious motions of certain inspired individuals. Visit places I felt the urge to visit. I'd basically do whatever I felt like, when I felt like it, however I felt the need to do so.
She wasn't too thrilled. She seemed a bit disappointed, and I can't blame her. At the same time, I don't feel the need to make shit up anymore. Honesty is a motherfucker sometimes.
My relationship with my family is kinda of fucked up. Sometimes, I love them more than anything, and sometimes I just want them to vanish into thin air. The only family member I get along with is my sister, but every time I've been over to my parents' house lately, they (my sis and bro-in-law) seem to be catching shit for the slightest little things here and there, everywhere you look, so... I'm sure a good portion of criticism is not only justified, but most likely self-inflicted, but still... They're the ones I have the most in common with, I guess.
My sis seems to have turned out contrary to previously held expectations. I'm pretty sure that, if she's sticking to a trend, then I'm the one who started it, as far as my family goes. I get the feeling that my parents are disappointed that I didn't go into the military, work for the NSA, or become a doctor of some sort. Every time I spend any substantial amount of time with them, they never fail to tell me how I could do computer analysis for the National Security Agency, or go into medicine and help people and whatnot... While the large paychecks would be nice, um... No.
I refuse to be a part of the ridiculously corrupt machine that is the Government of the United States. If a bunch of people decide to tear it down, then fine... Show me where to sign, and I'll be there fresh and early in the morning, brandishing crowbars and molotov cocktails and whatnot. Fuck the American government. They don't stand for me, so I'm not fucking standing for them. Year after year, I end up owing tax money for no good reason, with nothing to show for it. Subsidized health care? Nope. I live in a military town. All you see is one stupid motherfucker after the next, asking for military discounts and handouts, and then going off to war to get thousands of dollars extra in pay, while I can still make a bunch of homeless people downtown shit themselves over a half-eaten bag of powdered sugar doughnuts found in the back seat of my car. I see this shit every day. My taxes go to buy Cadillac Escalades for idiots, Dooney & Bourke and Coach handbags for their spouses, and nothing but headaches for the lowly "civilians". Go figure.
(And yes, my parents are military as well. That's the only reason I'm in this fucking town. It bothers me to this day that, as a little kid, I would put on my dad's Army helmet and run around the backyard imagining I was a Ranger or some other "Special Forces" type person. I was a stupid fucking kid. What else can I say?)
I refuse to work in the medical field, because... Hmm. This one is complicated. The easy way to get out of this one would be to simply say, "I fucking hate people and want nothing to do with helping them perpetuate themselves like the fucking disease they are", but that's not really it. People complain when their burgers are cold, when coffee isn't right, when the business slacks they bought for a trip to Seattle didn't fit right in a board meeting. I look at the general public with equal parts fear and loathing. At best, people are frustrating, and at worst, they are outright hateful assholes, when it comes to simple "stuff". Take "stuff" out of the equation and start bringing in "people's health and bodies" and those of their family members, add personal emotional investment to the mix, animosity towards existing medical facilities because of the cost of care nowadays, the overwhelming feeling of Americans that they think they're "owed" something, and yeah... Fuck working in the medical field.
So yep. I guess that makes me a fuck-up. I'm sure there's worse things to be. I feel like I can see the big picture, but have no way to relate it to people, and no way to do anything about it really, so eventually... Whatever I may be doing, whatever I may be into, I will eventually fail, out of outright apathy or from self-sabotage. Everyone else will seem the wiser, I'll look ridiculous, and life will go on. I will have seen it coming though. That's how it's always been. That's how it goes.
Unless I somehow become instantly rich.
Or move to another country and start over from scratch.
Hmm...
Venting. Meh.
I like to sleep while the sun is up. Yay for me.
I have no idea as to why I just shared all that with you. I wouldn't tell that shit to my closest friends, yet here it is for everyone to read about. I'm sure the wrong person is going to read this eventually, but to be honest, I could really care less. Fuck it.
Hope you all are well. Serously. No sarcasm accompanies those sentiments.
-Chris-
I didn't feel the need to lie though, so I told her the truth. Hypothetically, I would do nothing. I would lay on a couch with my head dangling off the edge, listening to music all day. Silently reveling inside my own head, alternating between beautiful clarity and blissful dissonance. I would take up photography for no good reason, develop my own film and make my own prints. Go to art galleries and get up as close as possible, so as to see actual brushstrokes (rather than fields of color, from across the room), if for no other reason than to bear witness to the fact that true and absolute provocation, a virtual kick in the teeth to people's sensibilities and preconceived notions, can come from the repetitious motions of certain inspired individuals. Visit places I felt the urge to visit. I'd basically do whatever I felt like, when I felt like it, however I felt the need to do so.
She wasn't too thrilled. She seemed a bit disappointed, and I can't blame her. At the same time, I don't feel the need to make shit up anymore. Honesty is a motherfucker sometimes.
My relationship with my family is kinda of fucked up. Sometimes, I love them more than anything, and sometimes I just want them to vanish into thin air. The only family member I get along with is my sister, but every time I've been over to my parents' house lately, they (my sis and bro-in-law) seem to be catching shit for the slightest little things here and there, everywhere you look, so... I'm sure a good portion of criticism is not only justified, but most likely self-inflicted, but still... They're the ones I have the most in common with, I guess.
My sis seems to have turned out contrary to previously held expectations. I'm pretty sure that, if she's sticking to a trend, then I'm the one who started it, as far as my family goes. I get the feeling that my parents are disappointed that I didn't go into the military, work for the NSA, or become a doctor of some sort. Every time I spend any substantial amount of time with them, they never fail to tell me how I could do computer analysis for the National Security Agency, or go into medicine and help people and whatnot... While the large paychecks would be nice, um... No.
I refuse to be a part of the ridiculously corrupt machine that is the Government of the United States. If a bunch of people decide to tear it down, then fine... Show me where to sign, and I'll be there fresh and early in the morning, brandishing crowbars and molotov cocktails and whatnot. Fuck the American government. They don't stand for me, so I'm not fucking standing for them. Year after year, I end up owing tax money for no good reason, with nothing to show for it. Subsidized health care? Nope. I live in a military town. All you see is one stupid motherfucker after the next, asking for military discounts and handouts, and then going off to war to get thousands of dollars extra in pay, while I can still make a bunch of homeless people downtown shit themselves over a half-eaten bag of powdered sugar doughnuts found in the back seat of my car. I see this shit every day. My taxes go to buy Cadillac Escalades for idiots, Dooney & Bourke and Coach handbags for their spouses, and nothing but headaches for the lowly "civilians". Go figure.
(And yes, my parents are military as well. That's the only reason I'm in this fucking town. It bothers me to this day that, as a little kid, I would put on my dad's Army helmet and run around the backyard imagining I was a Ranger or some other "Special Forces" type person. I was a stupid fucking kid. What else can I say?)
I refuse to work in the medical field, because... Hmm. This one is complicated. The easy way to get out of this one would be to simply say, "I fucking hate people and want nothing to do with helping them perpetuate themselves like the fucking disease they are", but that's not really it. People complain when their burgers are cold, when coffee isn't right, when the business slacks they bought for a trip to Seattle didn't fit right in a board meeting. I look at the general public with equal parts fear and loathing. At best, people are frustrating, and at worst, they are outright hateful assholes, when it comes to simple "stuff". Take "stuff" out of the equation and start bringing in "people's health and bodies" and those of their family members, add personal emotional investment to the mix, animosity towards existing medical facilities because of the cost of care nowadays, the overwhelming feeling of Americans that they think they're "owed" something, and yeah... Fuck working in the medical field.
So yep. I guess that makes me a fuck-up. I'm sure there's worse things to be. I feel like I can see the big picture, but have no way to relate it to people, and no way to do anything about it really, so eventually... Whatever I may be doing, whatever I may be into, I will eventually fail, out of outright apathy or from self-sabotage. Everyone else will seem the wiser, I'll look ridiculous, and life will go on. I will have seen it coming though. That's how it's always been. That's how it goes.
Unless I somehow become instantly rich.
Or move to another country and start over from scratch.
Hmm...
Venting. Meh.
I like to sleep while the sun is up. Yay for me.
I have no idea as to why I just shared all that with you. I wouldn't tell that shit to my closest friends, yet here it is for everyone to read about. I'm sure the wrong person is going to read this eventually, but to be honest, I could really care less. Fuck it.
Hope you all are well. Serously. No sarcasm accompanies those sentiments.
-Chris-
cincity:
Hey you sorry haven't written too much lately I've been settling in the area and such!