pudding

it's all fucking kinds of complicated. i feel like i have until the first of december to undo all the shit i've spend such generous amounts of time fucking up. nice. the way i've been living lately is making me physically sick. i have a headache just about every second of every day, i might be running a fever but don't have the desire to confirm that by buying a thermometer. this will all blow over in time. i live out of my overnight bag. i'm not sleeping very well and am eating way too much fast food. i have started to lash out at vic because i'm frustrated with the way my life is. i feel so bad for getting super pissed for pretty much no good reason. i don't want to make him feel bad. and he gives me this puppy-eyed look and i can tell he means what he says when he says he wants to make me happy. his unhappiness came from being alone. mine comes from somewhere else. i can be retardedly in love and still be miserable as all fucking hell. now that i'm getting some of the things that i want everything else seems to be getting harder. i'm trying really hard not to do the things that i know will fuck everything up. it would be really easy to let it go and get wrapped up in some of my old habits again.