pudding

i called my shrink today and left a message for him saying i had stopped taking my meds, i got a call back 20 minutes later saying that he wants to bump my appointment up to the 8th instead of the 16th. thats good. i hate meds but am willing to give them another shot, because the depression is worse than feeling like a zombie. i would rather stick a fork in a fucking toaster. seriously, my thoughts have gotten so dark in the last month that i have almost brought myself to tears while i'm at work. standing in front of a machine all night gives you a lot of time to think. Huck and i have been fighting all week, and that doesn't help. i ditched out on work tonight for that very reason. i also ditched out on a halloween party. i am so spiteful. i'm sick of people that make me feel bad because of their attempts at perfection. being fucked up is so much more fun, right? so if i'm going to be fucked up i'm going to take it and run with it, because that's what i've got. i went to college for one year, i'm not starting a career. i work in a fucking factory, good blue collar middle class type shit. i have money, my parents don't pay for my shit ( with the admited exception of my car and my hospital stay). i got married at the courthouse, not some lavish production. i am bent, i'm a little fucked up in the head, and i say what i want, even if i doesn't always thrill others. it's not that i don't want to be liked, but that i don't care so much anymore about trying to be pretty, or smart, or funny, or whatever. and i realized i don't have to try to like everyone, i really don't, i sick of force feeding myself that shit. i've been patient, i think it's time to let some of these things go.