zagan

eeepp.. woke up way too early today! Strange dreams... my life in New Orleans... My old life in Sacramento... and my current life in Sacramento all clash together in my mind when I sleep. People and places all seem to collide together in my dreams. Its quite strange, my dream land is almost the same as the one that I go to when I have psycotic breaks with reality. Makes one wonder. Luckily I haven't had a Psycotic episode since May... thats the one that landed me in Jail... Who knew that poliece officers and Aliens wern't one in the same?!
My sister has been very angry as of late. She doesn't like the Idea that were moving to Canada. Its sad because my mom has given her the option of staying behind in her own place until she finishes her senior year! However she won't even listen to us... every chance we get to speak to her is thwarted by her hostility. I hate having her so angry at me, but there is nothing that I can do to change the situation... and her anger is just making my life just that much harder.
I miss having her as my friend and cohort, but I guess that she just needs to brood by herself sometimes. I just wish that she wouldn't take it out on those that care about her.
So my parents met to speak together for the first time in Months. My father, every one to bring a situation to its worse did it again. He is so stuck in his ways never wanting to face change, or the fact that change can make situations so much more bearable. His one theought is the present never one to think into the future. When my mother mentioned canada his one reply was "I will never let you take my girls". I don't think he has come to the realization that I am twenty years old and don't wish to stay in Sacramento forever. When my mother told him this fact he went into a rage and said "fine then I won't let you take sarah". When she replied with the sarah is staying here to finish up her senior year... Instead of being happy that his wish was granted he faced off again with the "Oh so your taking your favorite and leaving sarah behind".
Which is quite sad because I have never been the favorite, neither of us are, and she is only leaving my sister behind because that what she thinks my sister will want. How I hate being stuck in the middle of this situation. I hope that the divorce will be finalized soon so that I don't have to hear about his bull shit, and so that I can do as I wish instead of being a pawn in thier dirty little games, the part that I ever so often play because of my mental state.
He says that he wants what is best for us, but really all the wants is what is best for himself. I came to the realization that he cares so much about himself, this vain, vain father of mine, that it is hard for him to care about another human being. Everything I do he dispises, constantly trying to control my life so that he can brag about my success to his yuppy judge and lawyer friends of his.
Even the best situations or Ideas he turns into dower ones. Never was he a glass half full kind of person. Always blaming everyone else for his problems and shortcomings. He hated the fact that I moved to New Orleans, He hates the fact that im going to canada, but what in the hell does he expect that im going to hang around Sacramento with a soon to be retired father? If he does he has vastly mistaken me, and probably will never understand. I love to travel, and I would rather gag on a fork than stay here in Sacramento to tend him in is golden years.
How confusing and frustrating the present situation can be sometimes. No wonder why I sleep so damn much... even my dreams full of weird twists and combonations can be so much easier to deal with than my ever fighting parental units... and their fitful divorce.