CHANGE OF PLANS: i'm not going to orange county. orange county is coming to me.
yesterday. i woke up with my light on. i fell asleep the night before when our cat plopped down on my chest. i was out cold.
work sucked. not even worth mentioning.
i went downtown and got a new 7" before heading to pergs to meet up with jack nicholson's cocaine nightmare. we unloaded and hung out for a minute. saxon and i went to get food for him. he told me he's moving to portland in june.
they played...much better than last week's show. they sounded pretty decent. i looked over during their set and saw the cutest girl...standing alone...waiting. and then it hit me, i'm leaving in three weeks and if i met anyone now, it would rip me apart. after a year and a half of meeting no one. i wouldn't be able to handle meeting someone out here and then having to leave them. so i just glanced over to her occasionally...and she did the same to me. and that was that.
before their set....i used to hook-up with this girl named lotus last summer. it only happened a couple of times and we don't really talk anymore. she calls once in a while and whenever i see her she basically invites me over for a night of permiscuity. such as she did last night. i have this really awful problem with sex. if it's with someone i don't have feelings for i get the worst heartache after i cum. i know in my mind that i shouldn't be involved the entire time...but as soon as i cum i just want to go home and crawl into bed and forget about it all. i don't want to be touched. i don't want to talk. i just want to drive. and be by myself. so despite my hornyness, i turned her down and felt a sense of pride that i'm beginning to regain control over my urges.
so as lotus and i give each other a hug, i see this girl kate over her shoulder. kate worked at crossroads for a while and had a crush on me. we exchanged numbers and were supposed to hang out numerous times. she flaked each and every time. she reminds me of me in a way. once i know how much someone likes me, it takes away all the challenge and i tend to lose interest. not always, but usually. so i knew she liked me and she knew i liked her. i guess her ex also came back into town and that was it. no more dan. she was at pergs throughout the night with her boyfriend. i don't think she noticed me, or if she did, she pretended she didn't. it didn't really upset me at all because she's lame and that's that. for some reason i got really pissed when i saw her smoking. i remember her saying she'd stop on valentine's day and of course that never happened. that's all i wanted to say to her, "what happened to quiting?"
the end of the evening approached. the two other bands played and sucked. one was from riverside and the other was from somewhere other than riverside or santa cruz. nice description, i know. i hung out with my friends on the smoking deck as we made each other laugh...a lot! the band inside blew it as they tried to pull off that whole chaotic dance shit with obnoxious vocals. i mean, bleh! what the shit? we discussed that kind of music for a few minutes before i busted out the ipod and made them listen to dillinger escape plan. they all did this kind of angry/punching act and it was great. i like that i have friends that'll listen to dillinger escape plan and not immediately jump to conclusions about what the music means, etc...it was one of the best conversations i've had in a long while.
i said my goodbyes and headed to the front to unlock my bike. just as i slide the end of my u-lock back into the chamber, i look up and shudder. it was kendall. kendall is a girl that i hooked up with out of nowhere a few weeks ago. we met and within a few hours made out before she pulled me into an empty room and declared, "fuck me." yikes. i said i'd like to hang out and at the time i meant it. i really did. but then the phone calls and text messages started. and they didn't stop for two weeks straight. at least one a day she called me. i shit you not. i got freaked out as i tend to do in situations such as those. i never called back. and there i was. stuck. in front of pergs. u-lock in hand. shriveling. looking for any sort of escape. it was like waiting for someone to punch you in the gut. we greeted each other and immediately i could tell she just wished i was dead. before she left, she said something that makes me want to never meet people. "yeah, well we should hang out sometime." WE SHOULD HANG OUT SOMETIME? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!!? same with, "you should call me sometime" why? because my life is so boring and yours is so interesting that i have the time to call you and if i'm lucky you'll answer and we can maybe "hang out?" and sometime? what the shit. whatever happened to putting effort into friendships. when you see an attractive girl that you want to be with do you say, "we should do something sometime." no. and if you do then you're a fool. "yeah! can't wait to do something sometime with you...i guess." so she says this to me. and i just stare at her. growing enraged. i managed to get out, "ok." kendall starts to lightly laugh and says, "you're not going to call me. you're not." she got in her car and drove off and i didn't feel that bad. i felt angry. angry that i meet the worst girls, angry that this town is so fucking small, angry that i couldn't just tell her how fucking crazy she is for calling me every goddamn day for two weeks. how freaked out someone gets when after two hours of knowing them you're having sex and the girl keeps going on about how amazing you are when she doesn't know anything about you. just then saxon walked by me as he loaded up his truck. i told him who she was and he responded, "wow, she's hot."
"no, she's crazy." and i rode away. all the way up the hill on laurel street. all the way down mission just up to miramar where meagan and the non-crazy ladies live. as soon as i got there i felt better. and that was yesterday. i rode home without music on. with both legs rolled up to show my striped knee socks. and the night was over. i can't wait to leave this dead end town.
today and tomorrow is the sea otter classic down in monterey. it's weird to be around mountain bikers again. i started riding when i was 11 years old. a lot has changed since then. the people have changed and not for the better.
to end this on a positive note, next friday and saturday i'm going to see dead prez and saul williams two nights in a row up in the city. and better yet, i'll be volunteering with MfA for it.
yesterday. i woke up with my light on. i fell asleep the night before when our cat plopped down on my chest. i was out cold.
work sucked. not even worth mentioning.
i went downtown and got a new 7" before heading to pergs to meet up with jack nicholson's cocaine nightmare. we unloaded and hung out for a minute. saxon and i went to get food for him. he told me he's moving to portland in june.
they played...much better than last week's show. they sounded pretty decent. i looked over during their set and saw the cutest girl...standing alone...waiting. and then it hit me, i'm leaving in three weeks and if i met anyone now, it would rip me apart. after a year and a half of meeting no one. i wouldn't be able to handle meeting someone out here and then having to leave them. so i just glanced over to her occasionally...and she did the same to me. and that was that.
before their set....i used to hook-up with this girl named lotus last summer. it only happened a couple of times and we don't really talk anymore. she calls once in a while and whenever i see her she basically invites me over for a night of permiscuity. such as she did last night. i have this really awful problem with sex. if it's with someone i don't have feelings for i get the worst heartache after i cum. i know in my mind that i shouldn't be involved the entire time...but as soon as i cum i just want to go home and crawl into bed and forget about it all. i don't want to be touched. i don't want to talk. i just want to drive. and be by myself. so despite my hornyness, i turned her down and felt a sense of pride that i'm beginning to regain control over my urges.
so as lotus and i give each other a hug, i see this girl kate over her shoulder. kate worked at crossroads for a while and had a crush on me. we exchanged numbers and were supposed to hang out numerous times. she flaked each and every time. she reminds me of me in a way. once i know how much someone likes me, it takes away all the challenge and i tend to lose interest. not always, but usually. so i knew she liked me and she knew i liked her. i guess her ex also came back into town and that was it. no more dan. she was at pergs throughout the night with her boyfriend. i don't think she noticed me, or if she did, she pretended she didn't. it didn't really upset me at all because she's lame and that's that. for some reason i got really pissed when i saw her smoking. i remember her saying she'd stop on valentine's day and of course that never happened. that's all i wanted to say to her, "what happened to quiting?"
the end of the evening approached. the two other bands played and sucked. one was from riverside and the other was from somewhere other than riverside or santa cruz. nice description, i know. i hung out with my friends on the smoking deck as we made each other laugh...a lot! the band inside blew it as they tried to pull off that whole chaotic dance shit with obnoxious vocals. i mean, bleh! what the shit? we discussed that kind of music for a few minutes before i busted out the ipod and made them listen to dillinger escape plan. they all did this kind of angry/punching act and it was great. i like that i have friends that'll listen to dillinger escape plan and not immediately jump to conclusions about what the music means, etc...it was one of the best conversations i've had in a long while.
i said my goodbyes and headed to the front to unlock my bike. just as i slide the end of my u-lock back into the chamber, i look up and shudder. it was kendall. kendall is a girl that i hooked up with out of nowhere a few weeks ago. we met and within a few hours made out before she pulled me into an empty room and declared, "fuck me." yikes. i said i'd like to hang out and at the time i meant it. i really did. but then the phone calls and text messages started. and they didn't stop for two weeks straight. at least one a day she called me. i shit you not. i got freaked out as i tend to do in situations such as those. i never called back. and there i was. stuck. in front of pergs. u-lock in hand. shriveling. looking for any sort of escape. it was like waiting for someone to punch you in the gut. we greeted each other and immediately i could tell she just wished i was dead. before she left, she said something that makes me want to never meet people. "yeah, well we should hang out sometime." WE SHOULD HANG OUT SOMETIME? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!!? same with, "you should call me sometime" why? because my life is so boring and yours is so interesting that i have the time to call you and if i'm lucky you'll answer and we can maybe "hang out?" and sometime? what the shit. whatever happened to putting effort into friendships. when you see an attractive girl that you want to be with do you say, "we should do something sometime." no. and if you do then you're a fool. "yeah! can't wait to do something sometime with you...i guess." so she says this to me. and i just stare at her. growing enraged. i managed to get out, "ok." kendall starts to lightly laugh and says, "you're not going to call me. you're not." she got in her car and drove off and i didn't feel that bad. i felt angry. angry that i meet the worst girls, angry that this town is so fucking small, angry that i couldn't just tell her how fucking crazy she is for calling me every goddamn day for two weeks. how freaked out someone gets when after two hours of knowing them you're having sex and the girl keeps going on about how amazing you are when she doesn't know anything about you. just then saxon walked by me as he loaded up his truck. i told him who she was and he responded, "wow, she's hot."
"no, she's crazy." and i rode away. all the way up the hill on laurel street. all the way down mission just up to miramar where meagan and the non-crazy ladies live. as soon as i got there i felt better. and that was yesterday. i rode home without music on. with both legs rolled up to show my striped knee socks. and the night was over. i can't wait to leave this dead end town.
today and tomorrow is the sea otter classic down in monterey. it's weird to be around mountain bikers again. i started riding when i was 11 years old. a lot has changed since then. the people have changed and not for the better.
to end this on a positive note, next friday and saturday i'm going to see dead prez and saul williams two nights in a row up in the city. and better yet, i'll be volunteering with MfA for it.
What's wrong, you say? Just me being dramatic. I've updated my journal for clarity. . . but really, very very little is ever wrong. . .