Not The Man
After I got topped off with my usual one unit of B-negative, screened for antibodies (I get less complex liquids at Starbucks), I hobbled down to the cafeteria, as I am wont to do because I'm usually starving after the transfusion. I was in pretty good spirits as I ate, as I got some weird compliments earlier. When I had gotten to the Cancer Center earlier one of the nurses asked me where my 'laughing buddy' was. She was referring to my friend Ryan, who was kind enough to come visit me last week. Ryans a nurse himself and is one of my few friends who doesn't get weirded out by hospital visits. "Laughing buddy?" I asked. I didn't understand what she meant. "It was good to hear you laugh", she replied.
It had not occurred to me that the nurses there had never heard my laugh.
I think my own voice sounds kind of ridiculous when I hear it on audio recordings, as if a confused redneck had been hit on the head with a dictionary, and he could only make out one third of the complicated words. And he says 'fuck' a lot. I think my laugh sounds ridiculous too, but it's definitely recognizable. Jaime says you can hear it from two blocks away, and it startles people.
I'm usually alone at the Cancer Center. Almost everyone else there has a spouse, or a couple of kids, or somebody there beside them while they go through this. I get on the TARC 3 bus and ride there, get topped off, and ride back. I spend a lot of time feeling sorry for myself and wondering if people don't want to be around me much anymore because I've become so depressing and grumpy. Natureboy Steve has drove me/visited a couple of times. Ryan came last week. I don't remember what I was laughing about, I think we were talking about some ridiculous gaming concepts.
When I sat down in my 'vampire chair' a few minutes later, I had two nurses hovering over me. They seemed to be more attentive than usual. I was beginning to worry that maybe something had gone wrong and they weren't telling me about it yet. I did feel a little crappier than usual and was asked about that, but my nurse for the day said "We fight over who's taking care of you when you come in"
"Huh? Why?" I asked. "Because of your sense of humor."
"Sense of humor?" I went on,"This is me grumpy."
"We like takin' care of ya, you're feisty," the second nurse joked. "I used to be hella feisty before this happened," I replied.
So I smiled a little. Getting a little piece of myself back. One piece at a time.
On my way back from lunch I ducked into the restroom before continuing on down the hall. I ran into a couple of hospital grunts. One of them excused himself for being in my way and said, "We're hiding from the man!" I laughed. "Thas cool," I said
A few minutes later I was back down the hallway and saw them again. The same guy looked at me and pointed. "Are you following us?" he asked," Are you THE MAN?"
I waved him off and laughed again. " I am not THE MAN. I ain't no snitch, neither." I thumped my chest and added, "We cool." He laughed in return.
I hobbled on down the hallway to call my ride home.