xtx

All I've ever really wanted was just to hold on to some little piece of all this thing is supposed to be. I'm a total failure in so much of what I try to do through no fault of my own- it's inherent to the very structure of this madness. So typical are the moments I'm racing to try and finish some small portion of my all my plans at the last possible second, flooded with anxiety and desperation as I'm forced to quickly decide how best to do so- all the while struggling not to get distracted with any of the other things I have yet to do. Unless of course, I suddenly deem one of those things to be of at least equal importance and/or directly related to the task at hand, leading me to try to multitask and strike a balance between my memory and immediate attention; life is a constant game of prioritization through the slavery of time. Just being able to make a fucking airline flight is practically an achievement for me- and an issue I face quite frequently as I shuttle back and forth between my house in Florida (where I reside in total misery and utter isolation) and whichever shitty hotel or hostel I find to stay at in New York City, where I do essentially the same thing. The only difference in NYC is that I actually go out to places that have other people, whose presence always immediately squashes any delusional hope I have of making a real connection with one of you as I am confronted with and decimated by the devastating truth of what blind monsters you all are.

It's a lifetime commitment.