xombies

a lot has changed since the passing of my brother. there is no longer a sense of unity as there once was. if anything ,the matter is getting worse and no one wishes to talk of it. in this world we choose to ignore struggle because we are told we have to be happy to succeed. positivity is always good, no doubt, due to its oblivious meaning...but i don't know. people now hate each other instead of looking to each other for help. my mother and my boyfriedns girlfriends friends and family hate each other. my mom has been immature about it, but then again she hasnt been mature since she left my father. dont get me wrong i love her, but the world is too ugly for me.

i still feel ventured and plagued by my same emptiness and to this i wonder if im destined to be a cold person. i no longer sympathize and i lack passion for my own life. im in such a state where the walls are inside out and all colours have faded. i dont know where ill be when i graduate, nor do i know how i want to go about finishing my schooling. i am so miserable in this world and i hate to be so exposed to the suffering, and stories that i cant even tell are real or fake. i choose to think that everything is fake and thats only due to how the world is created and based upon perception.

i dislike my design teacher and organizing that new york trip made me realize how he disappoints me. the man is brilliant but his views can be tasteless. he put up someones work outside or classroom and its so dull and dry and looks rather incomplete. not to mention i hate how everyone treats my boyfriend and particularly my teacher. hes amazing because he complains how childish peopel are and he is a rather spoiled brat himself.

my boyfriend is probably the mosyt powerful aspect of my life right now and though i feel ive been consummed by time mutilating activities, i am truely disregarding important things. i feel so wrapped up in things that im just confused.

im damp and disorganized and i am full of hate and shame. its so hard for me to cry and i want to burst into tears. i remeber painful habits of mine and i remember why i did it to myself and how it felt. i hate to say im confused because its so clumsy and lame.

the only person i wanna be with 24/7 is my boyfriend and i guess thats weird becausei cant have that. i do love everyone else but i cant juggle it and i guess this day by day structure is fucking me up. i almost feel like i have nothing but i know its a lie. i wish my brother was alive, id prolly hug him.

my friend reeally pissed me off today because i bought an ipod off him and it ended up breakign a zsillion times and coincidently i ended up getting a new 60 gig one from apple for free because the 40 gig always sucked. and he sort of helped, but its apple so they have lemon protection, or whateve and so i couldve eventually gotten it my self but hes taking all credit and he tried to rip me off in the first place and so hes a jerk and being cheap with his own friends...anyways he wants kris to dish out 100 bux to buy him a box for satelitle. which no one agreed to. he never paid for the ipod he sold me in the first place.

[22:12:45] boy. says:
i dont know what to do, like i try to leave you time and all but you just end up sad and missing me wich is alright but i sometimes feel responsible for taking you away from shit
[22:13:22] boy says:
like there are things you used to do and im so sad you dont anymore, because i never got to experience it and i feel responible
[22:20:24] girl says:
i the kitchen
[22:20:47] girl says:
wat did i used to do
[22:21:25] boy. says:
like all the photography, sewing, painting......... and other things i might not know of
[22:24:21] girl says:
i never really sewwed a lot and i do a lot since u came an iddi photo mostly cause i wasi n the classes
[22:24:29] girl says:
im good at alot of things but i dont care aboiut them because i dont feel itll hep me in life.