okies so sg is back to normal!!! for now anyways!
i will be posting pics of the ferrets soon. but we havnt taken any yet.
i had successfully avoided seeing my sisters new baby for nearly a month, but then she came to work, and brought her with her....i havtn looked at her though. i havnt spoken about her....or listen to any talk about her...i walk away. i dont care how it looks to be honest. if they are too dumb not to realise how that baby makes me feel then i pity them. ill never be ok with that baby. never. she will be for the rest of my life a reminder.
anyways...
me and bri are still trying....to no avail. im getting sick of taking pregnancy tests every damn month and seeing a negative result.
i think i may be having some sort of delayed grief thing......i mean dont get me wrong....when we lost our baby, i did grieve, i did feel sadness and all the emotions and thoughts that come with having a miscarriage. but it just seems that for the last couple of months....i cant get it out of my head. im having a whole new load of thoughts and feelings.( all bad) i keep looking for pictures of fetuses, and each time it breaks my heart......i felt guilt the moment i realised i was miscarrying, but now....the guilt is coming from different angles and its horrible. im thinking of things now that i didnt at the time. i feel guilty that she just wwent down the toilet.....i wish we couldve buried her. i find myself thinking that stillbirth wouldve been preferable to losing her the way we did. we didnt get to see her....or say good bye. no heart beat , no scan. no funeral, no ceremony...nothing. just a flush of the toilet and she was gone. i feel so guilty about that. ive got tears again now just thinking about it.
i find myself consumed with thoughts of jealousy. im jealous of people who hav lost their babies further along in the pregnancy or even after birth. cos they got to get some sort of closure. a funeral, something. people around them would aknowledge their loss, much more than what we have had. it all seemed to pass by so quickly.im so angry that our child has been forgotten.
people who know me and my situation know that im not exaggerating whan i say that our baby has been forgotten. my friends on here have shown more compassion and understanding than any of my family.
anyhoos...it just feels like its been consuming me so much more now than it did before....almost like im obsessed. it could be because of the birth of my sisters baby but ive been feeling it before then. and also....it just feels like its more than that.
ive ranted....i wanted this journal to be all upbeat and ive ruined it now.
i will be posting pics of the ferrets soon. but we havnt taken any yet.
i had successfully avoided seeing my sisters new baby for nearly a month, but then she came to work, and brought her with her....i havtn looked at her though. i havnt spoken about her....or listen to any talk about her...i walk away. i dont care how it looks to be honest. if they are too dumb not to realise how that baby makes me feel then i pity them. ill never be ok with that baby. never. she will be for the rest of my life a reminder.
anyways...
me and bri are still trying....to no avail. im getting sick of taking pregnancy tests every damn month and seeing a negative result.
i think i may be having some sort of delayed grief thing......i mean dont get me wrong....when we lost our baby, i did grieve, i did feel sadness and all the emotions and thoughts that come with having a miscarriage. but it just seems that for the last couple of months....i cant get it out of my head. im having a whole new load of thoughts and feelings.( all bad) i keep looking for pictures of fetuses, and each time it breaks my heart......i felt guilt the moment i realised i was miscarrying, but now....the guilt is coming from different angles and its horrible. im thinking of things now that i didnt at the time. i feel guilty that she just wwent down the toilet.....i wish we couldve buried her. i find myself thinking that stillbirth wouldve been preferable to losing her the way we did. we didnt get to see her....or say good bye. no heart beat , no scan. no funeral, no ceremony...nothing. just a flush of the toilet and she was gone. i feel so guilty about that. ive got tears again now just thinking about it.
i find myself consumed with thoughts of jealousy. im jealous of people who hav lost their babies further along in the pregnancy or even after birth. cos they got to get some sort of closure. a funeral, something. people around them would aknowledge their loss, much more than what we have had. it all seemed to pass by so quickly.im so angry that our child has been forgotten.
people who know me and my situation know that im not exaggerating whan i say that our baby has been forgotten. my friends on here have shown more compassion and understanding than any of my family.
anyhoos...it just feels like its been consuming me so much more now than it did before....almost like im obsessed. it could be because of the birth of my sisters baby but ive been feeling it before then. and also....it just feels like its more than that.
ive ranted....i wanted this journal to be all upbeat and ive ruined it now.
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i got the stormtrooper from where i work (forbidden planet). cheers for the comment about my hair