Friday Apr 22, 2005

0
i feel alone tonight.
it's raining outside...and all my non-plans fell through.
i think i'll listen to some music and read a book.
i think i'd rather have stimulating conversation...but i'll make do.

yup, it's been a crazy week, and i think i'm crazy.
aproximation:
I would say fear is why we hurt ourselves. Bordom just usually leaves us with nothing but to deal (or try unsuccessfuly to avoid) our fears.

I wish I was up to online antics right now but i am but a human shell with a tiny alien in my head-control-center. It is fumbling with the controls apparently.

I feel your pain though. I keep expecting to start hearing voices.
I am going to run out of one of my meds before I can get more from my doctor on friday. That makes me a bit anxious too.

Good luck!
I woke up a couple of times in bed this weekend with my cock tied up and tied to a noose around my neck, so when I moved it tightend the ropes around my cock for a bit. I also had a camera next to the bed for some reason. I proabably intended to send the pictures to her but it wouldnt hurt to share some with you if you want; if it would pick you up?
There not developed yet. I have to finish a roll first but possibly later this week...

Tuesday Apr 19, 2005

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another typical day, with small bits of interest.
had a lot of daydreaming going on...also had the urge to fuck everyone that came into the store. does anyone else always wonder what the customers look like naked?

there was a woman who came into the store. she was definately coming down from some horrid drug...i don't know too much about such things, so i'm not...
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aproximation:
I hope the guy wasnt a pimp.
Sometimes meth addicts start to pick at little hairs or zits compulsively making sores, or they feel like bugs are crawling on them, which could cause them to dig at the skin too.

Its too bad. People come out of the woodwork to join you on the way down, but there are few people who will help you with your own burden till you get some perspective back. I had to buy my perspective, what little I have, and I can already feel that leaving.

I used to look at girls in that came into my shop and picture how the would look as I fucked them. Now I look at bodies and see people. I am infatuated with peoples faces and eyes now. There are some eyes that you can look into and just fall into. Not like falling into love. More like falling into a daydream.
No, my self image is so low I just picture the look of disgust on their face when they see me naked, so I cant really picture them naked. I even suck at fantisies
(Except the one where I fly to see her. I kiss her neck in the terminal. She breaths hotly on myneck as her hair falls all over my face. I slide my hand up her back under her shirt as I walk her back aginst the wall. I wisper "I want to fuck you right here" as I lift her up slightly with the hand that is on her ass. her legs wrap around me and she is wearing a skirt, which is not typical for her. I slide on hand under her skirt and inside her short-shorts. her breath gets heaver and people start to stop behind us and stare. I set her down and start to undo my belt, aware but ignoring the people gathering behind me. She grabs my hand and leads me into the hall, then into the womens bathroom. I see that she does this as two guards are coming over becasue of all the people.
...
you can imagine the rest)

Sunday Apr 17, 2005

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had some interesting dreams last night.
what i can remember involves walking toward my scenic cliff, and finding dustin there...though it was odd because he wasn't on the edge looking at the view, but about 20 feet back in folage just standing there. he said he was just leaving, and left.
then i was in the woods at a stream, and a small wolf came...
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Saturday Apr 16, 2005

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i love taking my children to outdoor events. we went to a drum circle around a fire tonight. it's great to see how they react to a tribal environment. of course destiny feels at home, and starts hitting up the people on stage with balance sticks. spends about a half hour engaged in trying to learn. this was a new environment for rachel...she wasn't sure...
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katblue:
That sounds like a lot of fun! I miss going to those kinds of things. Must do more this summer......I need it. Glad yer wee ones liked it. smile ALways a blast for the little guys.

Friday Apr 15, 2005

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made some observations today...but i forgot what they were. overheard an argument between a male and female of the college sorority type. the guy said to the girl, "stop being such a bitch!" her reply was..."i may be a bitch, but if you keep it up you won't have a ride!"

i've been kind of in a daze all day.

invented a good adage. "don't...
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Thursday Apr 14, 2005

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ok...after the second day since practice, i'm convinced that i hurt something bad at roller derby. this is the most my muscles have ever hurt...even during basic training. it hurts to walk...when i squat at all, it feels like i'm being stabbed. it's the muscle that runs in the front of my leg from my knee to my thigh. no practice for me tonight...i don't...
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kingskottie:
saw roller drby props in PRICK mag... how cool is that!!?

Monday Apr 11, 2005

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here's a poem i wrote today.

Outside In

She eats my self
and licks her fingers clean
cat-satisfied
wearing my heart
like a wet glove

Each time she moves a finger
she plays puppeteer
soul-spine engineer
Ligaments wrap around
joining the flesh between
Even surgeons can't sew
as close as this

I feel she will become me
she sears through flesh and bone
nowhere left...
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Monday Apr 11, 2005

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i've taken two prescription allergy pills, and i'm still feeling the effects of this damn pollon. when i got to work, i found that my opening manager wasn't there. so i had to open the store and get the registers ready, and run the things until she got there. we opened late...people had to wait because i was taking orders, making the bagel, then ringing...
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andreaandrea:
See, i'm on that professional woman path now and i don't like it. However, i will not end up that way because i would go absolutely nuts. i really am not exactly sure what i'll do with my business degree. i just know i'm gonna have to find a kick ass place to work where i can have purple hair and blue nails if i want. I did realize at some point that tattoo shops need office mngrs too!! Who knows? There is also the money factor- with which i question...is it worth it? confused
did you go to onie's party?

[Edited on Apr 11, 2005 1:19PM]
alaspooryorick:
Crap, you gotta let me know what happens with that. He wants to marry her, but is she as serious about him as he is about her?

Thursday Apr 07, 2005

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very shitty day at work. did 3 jobs at the same time like usual...'cept we were very busy, which makes doing so quite difficult. i can do it, it just wears me out...and i wonder why i have such a drive to be good that i drive myself down physically and mentally. i think it's because i'm stubborn and can never back away from a...
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onie:
you are so brilliant.. i thought you should know smile
and i had to stop reading your last post because i am unable to handle hearing about children in not so good situations. i only read up tillthe puppy dog part and saying she wants her daddy and how that woman tryed to make her feel guilty. that poor baby. i wish i could take all these children out of there bad homes and give them all the love, safety and security they need. people like that dont even deserve children. sorry about ranting.. its such a touchy subject for me.
but on a good topic.. i cant wait to meet you on Saturday!

Wednesday Apr 06, 2005

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people are so entertaining to observe. it's a good thing they keep my interest, or i might have to stop living.

at work, there was a lady who was charged for an extra bagel...at first she was going to get a refund...instead she gave it to a transient man outside, then bought him a coffee(i didn't charge her, but the thought...) i could have given...
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