another typical day, with small bits of interest.
had a lot of daydreaming going on...also had the urge to fuck everyone that came into the store. does anyone else always wonder what the customers look like naked?
there was a woman who came into the store. she was definately coming down from some horrid drug...i don't know too much about such things, so i'm not sure...either herion, meth, or crack. she kept scratching...had sores all over. she could have been quite beautiful if she had been healthy. my employees were pissing me off...muttering under their breath such things as..."she needs to get on out of here! fuckin drug addict! wonder how much she costs?*laugh-laugh-laugh*" to me she seemed in need of love, understanding...she probably hadn't had much in her life.
once you get into those situations, the dominoes start falling into and over you into the hole you've dug...it's almost impossible to get out. other people's judgements about you hold you down...especially when you know how bad off you are...and you know you have a problem...and your self esteem was obviously low to get into such a place to begin with.
i'm not saying i was better than my employees. it was hard for me to look in her eyes. i wanted to help, but could think of no way to do so. how do you ask someone in that situation if they need help without it sounding judgemental? people that have gone that far are so desperate, pride is the only thing they have left. sympathy is not what they need...and understanding can't be sold at a coffee counter.
my only solace is that she was with a guy...friend, client, brother, good samaritan...who seemed to be taking care of her.
had a lot of daydreaming going on...also had the urge to fuck everyone that came into the store. does anyone else always wonder what the customers look like naked?
there was a woman who came into the store. she was definately coming down from some horrid drug...i don't know too much about such things, so i'm not sure...either herion, meth, or crack. she kept scratching...had sores all over. she could have been quite beautiful if she had been healthy. my employees were pissing me off...muttering under their breath such things as..."she needs to get on out of here! fuckin drug addict! wonder how much she costs?*laugh-laugh-laugh*" to me she seemed in need of love, understanding...she probably hadn't had much in her life.
once you get into those situations, the dominoes start falling into and over you into the hole you've dug...it's almost impossible to get out. other people's judgements about you hold you down...especially when you know how bad off you are...and you know you have a problem...and your self esteem was obviously low to get into such a place to begin with.
i'm not saying i was better than my employees. it was hard for me to look in her eyes. i wanted to help, but could think of no way to do so. how do you ask someone in that situation if they need help without it sounding judgemental? people that have gone that far are so desperate, pride is the only thing they have left. sympathy is not what they need...and understanding can't be sold at a coffee counter.
my only solace is that she was with a guy...friend, client, brother, good samaritan...who seemed to be taking care of her.
Sometimes meth addicts start to pick at little hairs or zits compulsively making sores, or they feel like bugs are crawling on them, which could cause them to dig at the skin too.
Its too bad. People come out of the woodwork to join you on the way down, but there are few people who will help you with your own burden till you get some perspective back. I had to buy my perspective, what little I have, and I can already feel that leaving.
I used to look at girls in that came into my shop and picture how the would look as I fucked them. Now I look at bodies and see people. I am infatuated with peoples faces and eyes now. There are some eyes that you can look into and just fall into. Not like falling into love. More like falling into a daydream.
No, my self image is so low I just picture the look of disgust on their face when they see me naked, so I cant really picture them naked. I even suck at fantisies
(Except the one where I fly to see her. I kiss her neck in the terminal. She breaths hotly on myneck as her hair falls all over my face. I slide my hand up her back under her shirt as I walk her back aginst the wall. I wisper "I want to fuck you right here" as I lift her up slightly with the hand that is on her ass. her legs wrap around me and she is wearing a skirt, which is not typical for her. I slide on hand under her skirt and inside her short-shorts. her breath gets heaver and people start to stop behind us and stare. I set her down and start to undo my belt, aware but ignoring the people gathering behind me. She grabs my hand and leads me into the hall, then into the womens bathroom. I see that she does this as two guards are coming over becasue of all the people.
...
you can imagine the rest)