I'm updating again because I am moody.
I have PMS and I'm tired and upset, and I'm going to crash in a few minutes, as soon as my Quicktime finishes uploading.
I downloaded Nala's video (I'll get Mary and Erin tomorrow, I think) but my Quicktime wouldn't play the video, just the audio. Ugh. Stupid computers and their dumb programs that never properly work.
I need more RAM. My computer only came with 128 - and that is not enough.
I had a bad heart episode today. Instead of being a sort of clenching, shooting pain like it normally is, it was stabbing, and brief, and then achy. And that scared me. Once I had an episode so bad it hurt into my arm, like I was having a heart attack or something.
I wish I could go to a cardiologist for a full evaluation on my MPV but my family just can't afford it. We have too many medical bills as it is.
I'm going in for another biopsy Tuesday, too. This is the second one. And when they are watching your test results because they are abnormal, and they call to say they have gotten MORE abnormal, that is never a good thing. I'm really scared and don't want to go through the procedure - not because I'm afraid of the minimal pain or the healing involved, just because I am starting to think it is going to be the doorway to something bigger and scarier and more awful and harder to deal with.
Sorry for the uber-depressing entry. I try not to get into my personal life here where I know total strangers will read it, I just have to get it out. This has been a perpetual topic of conversation since my dad was sick last year, and I'm so tired of it, and angry that now, when it seemed like things were getting better, everything is only getting worse and worse.
I am just scared and wish I weren't expected to be a mature adult right now. I want to go back to being twelve and playing in the dirt, back when nothing bad ever seemed to happen to me or the people I love. I am tired of paying bills and going to school and holding down a shitty job that I hate just to barely scrape by. I'm tired of everything. Ugh.
Again, my apologies. You know what makes uber-depressing journals more bearable? When there is a monkey at the end.
monkey!
I have PMS and I'm tired and upset, and I'm going to crash in a few minutes, as soon as my Quicktime finishes uploading.
I downloaded Nala's video (I'll get Mary and Erin tomorrow, I think) but my Quicktime wouldn't play the video, just the audio. Ugh. Stupid computers and their dumb programs that never properly work.
I need more RAM. My computer only came with 128 - and that is not enough.
I had a bad heart episode today. Instead of being a sort of clenching, shooting pain like it normally is, it was stabbing, and brief, and then achy. And that scared me. Once I had an episode so bad it hurt into my arm, like I was having a heart attack or something.
I wish I could go to a cardiologist for a full evaluation on my MPV but my family just can't afford it. We have too many medical bills as it is.
I'm going in for another biopsy Tuesday, too. This is the second one. And when they are watching your test results because they are abnormal, and they call to say they have gotten MORE abnormal, that is never a good thing. I'm really scared and don't want to go through the procedure - not because I'm afraid of the minimal pain or the healing involved, just because I am starting to think it is going to be the doorway to something bigger and scarier and more awful and harder to deal with.
Sorry for the uber-depressing entry. I try not to get into my personal life here where I know total strangers will read it, I just have to get it out. This has been a perpetual topic of conversation since my dad was sick last year, and I'm so tired of it, and angry that now, when it seemed like things were getting better, everything is only getting worse and worse.
I am just scared and wish I weren't expected to be a mature adult right now. I want to go back to being twelve and playing in the dirt, back when nothing bad ever seemed to happen to me or the people I love. I am tired of paying bills and going to school and holding down a shitty job that I hate just to barely scrape by. I'm tired of everything. Ugh.
Again, my apologies. You know what makes uber-depressing journals more bearable? When there is a monkey at the end.
monkey!VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
i'm getting paid tomorrow and it looks like i'm gonna have a leetle bit of money to have some fun with. so i was wondering if you wanted to meet up for the tattoo convention on friday... i'll probably end up going regardless, but let me know whatcha think.