Fantastic thunderstorms over northern Denver, tonight! I love the lightning and the thunder, the rain and hail. All of it awakens something primal within me.
It would've been better still, if I could've enjoyed this with her.
But that is not to be. There is another man. It's complicated. I'm not happy about it. He's a married man. Well, "was" a married man. He filed for divorce two weeks before moving here to be with her. From the outside, that looks pretty shitty, and sounds awful. But he has been in a difficult situation where his marriage was concerned.
I wish that I was good enough to choose outright. I thought that I was. It would seem that I am not. But the nearly two years of absence between us, has put us in this situation.
It would appear he is a good man. I really can't say for sure. She says so. However, I rarely take the opinion of another over my own, even if that opinion comes from her.
Don't get me wrong. I wish more than anything else, that it was me that was seeing her right now, instead of him. But she chose to pursue that relationship to its natural conclusion.
I'm not mad at her, for it. I just wish I understood why. Part of me feels like I'm in this position now because I told her I'd uphold my promise to be her friend, regardless of her choice. She, for her part, has done and said everything to reassure me that she didn't choose to pursue this relationship with him because she was choosing which of us was better for her. She's choosing to pursue that relationship, because it was already in the works before I came along, even if he wasn't yet separated from his wife at that time.
Before he came here. I told her how I feel about her. I told her how I would honor my promise, no matter how much it would hurt.
I just...
At this point, I'm just feeling like being a good man, making the hard choices that everyone else is uncomfortable making, living a life by honor instead of desire, doing the right thing...
... has meant nothing.
It's not like I believe that I deserve a good woman as a reward for all that good behavior. I'm not abused of such nonsense.
I just thought it would've counted for something more than just a pat on the back, and an " 'attaboy."
At this juncture, I would say that I'm not quite out, yet. Though it feels like I almost am. But there isn't a great deal going on between her and him, than was going on between her and I. They're just getting to know each other. Seeing if this relationship of theirs is going to work. I don't know. I guess that means that I am out. My close friends are divided into two camps. One camp is very clear on telling me that I am, in fact, out of this game. The other camp, is trying to be kind and hold out hope that being the good guy and doing all the right things is going to win her over, in the end. Maybe their thinking is as wishful as mine is.
If you were to ask them about me. They'd all tell you that I'm one of the greatest men they've ever met. My honor, unquestionable. My sense of justice, well-developed and balanced. My ethics, sound. Compassionate, honest, empathetic, strong, trustworthy.
I don't know what is going to happen. All I know is that there isn't much left in me for pursuing relationships. I keep getting passed up for "greener grass." There also isn't much left in me for staying where I am at. Or maintaining a fair number of the friendships I do have.
I just want to go. And never come back.
Not because this alone has broken me. It feels like that last straw on the camel's back. For most of my life, the majority of people I've met have shown me that being the "good man" means nothing to anyone but myself. If it doesn't mean anything to anyone, then why should it mean anything to me...
...But I can't. I made a promise. A promise that looks like it is going to hurt me more than anything ever has before.
Why did I choose to be this way? I feel like such a fucking chump.
