...on Sunday. Met for coffee and sat out in the unseasonably awesome weather in Colorado. We talked for a couple of hours. It was good.
I laid out as many of my cards as I could manage. I missed a few. But I become incredibly distracted when I'm around her. Not surprising, really.
She listened.
She accepted the emotional bomb I dropped on her. She said she had an even larger one for me, but declined to drop it on me given how difficult it was for me to drop my bomb. I gave her time to deal with what I said. What I said deserves time to be considered.
She said that my timing was interesting. That things are complicated.
I told her that if all I received was her friendship, that I would find a way to survive. But that I did all of this because I want her and I'm willing to fight for what I want.
Then I learned something about the last two years that would catch me completely by surprise...
She had never intended to break up with me. She realized, too late, that what she said to me that night would send me packing.
And for my part, it appears, that I overreacted that night almost two years ago. In that instant of telling her that I was sorry that I had violated her trust and that I would never bother her again; I had, in fact, completely misunderstood her intentions.
I was floored by the realization that I had thrown away the best thing that ever happened to me two years ago. That the last two years of agonizing soul-searching and introspective contemplation and painful longing for her could've been avoided, in their entirety.
She had not exiled me from her life.
I had exiled myself.
I did this to us.
And I didn't even realize it.
Our meeting ended with the happiness of seeing each other, the realization that this would be complicated, and the mutual commitment to figuring it out.
Later that evening, while I mentally beat myself up over my failure, I almost went into shock. Thankfully, I was with friends. They saw me through it.
I have been an idiot. And there is no guarantee that I'll even have a chance at reclaiming what I lost. I await her response. I hope that I'm found worthy enough for her. Until then, at the very least, I have secured her friendship.