But I'm still a work in progress. This one is not going to put me in a flattering light.
Everybody gets jealous. There's no denying that. But whenever I heard about people my age doing well for themselves, especially people I used to go to school with... I would get sent into a suicidal, depression spiral.
I know how petty that sounds. But there was just something about hearing or seeing how successful I should be, when I've been a colossal failure all my life. It was one of the triggers that my depression used. That kind of thing ruined my day. No, it ruined the next few days.
Ugh. That makes me sound like such a piece of shit. But depression isn't a rational thing.
Well, last night I was out with a friend. The conversation somehow turned to some of the people we went to high school with. One of whom had apparently become a doctor. This surprised me because I was sure he'd have ended up in jail, but now he's a successful doctor. We talked a little more about what a few others were knew are doing now, and I started to feel a little bad about myself. And that feeling lasted for a little while. But this time, it didn't stick around. I didn't spiral out into that extreme depression.
Which means that the work I've been doing on myself these last couple of years had actually paid off. I might not be where I thought I'd be, or where others wanted me to be in life, but I'm surviving. It might not be a financially sound thing to be doing, but I'm currently chasing a dream with this novel of mine. I'm learning how to cope with the way my brain works, with my mental health issues... And I'm seeing some surprising results based on last night's experience.
I might not be where I should be in life, but I'm doing better now.
