I'm not sure how to start this. The end of the year was rough. I don't think I ever realized how very draining the holidays are for me. I don't know, maybe I just assumed it was seasonal depression being added to the usual depression? The expectations of having to go to family events, the stress of having to deal with more people when you go to the store, and even more welcome things like meeting up with friends... it all takes a toll. I didn't realize how much just preparing myself mentally for these things drained me.
One positive came from December though. As you know, of you read these regularly, I've recently discovered that I'm an undiagnosed autistic. When I looked into it, learned some of the signs and symptoms, took the assessments, etc. so many things began to make sense to me. However, the reactions to this discovery have been, we'll say mixed. I get pushback from some people. 'No, you're not autistic. You're just convincing yourself that you're disabled.' and such... Others mean well, but it isn't all that helpful. 'Don't worry, I'm sure you're not autistic.' or 'You don't seem like there's anything wrong with you' and stuff like that. It's been a lot of gaslighting and denial. Which led me to a lot of self doubt, imposter syndrome, etc. I started to feel really bad because of it.
So, what was the positive? Well, I met up with a friend who I haven't seen in a couple of years. In the process of the conversation, it came up that I discovered that I'm autistic. His response? 'Okay, no offense, but explains so much.' I was so happy at that response, because it was my response too. He's the first person I've told who didn't try to tell me it's okay, or that I'm not. He heard what I said and responded positively. I didn't really realize how much I needed someone to respond like that. I had to text him a couple days late to thank him for that.
But the whole month, even the positive, took one hell of a toll on me. I haven't been able to bring myself to communicate any of this, or to be very active here. I'm sorry for that, but I'm grateful to those of you who have been supportive. And I'm still recovering, but I'll try to pop on a bit more often when I can.
I feel like I already wrote too much, but at the same time, there's so much more I want to say. Anyway, hope you've all been doing well. Happy New Year and such.
