This is so strange to me. I feel like I've been making good progress on my mental health. Maybe I'm just expecting too much, too fast? I've come to realize something important recently. I don't think I'm as depressed as I used to be. It's still there, boy is it ever still there... But it's not the same desperate feeling. I don't think that suicide is an option anymore. And that's a pretty big step to have taken. These last couple of years have been rough. Losing Pilz-e, the handsome little devil in my profile pic, was the kick in the head I needed. It would seem that little man gave me one last gift. Have I said all of this before? I don't know anymore. But it's true. His death broke me, sent my depression and anxiety into overdrive. But it allowed me to start getting the help I needed.
Thanks to the medicine I started taking for anxiety, I think my symptoms cleared up enough for me to start noticing my autistic tendencies. That was a major thing to notice, and it helps to know that now.
After beginning my spiritual journey with Hecate, I feel like I've found a small party of myself. I know not everyone believes, but I know I've felt her presence since the last blog about exploring that. It's a very comforting thing.
But the last week or so, I've been feeling like something was wrong. I felt wrong. And tonight, I felt like I was falling into depression again in a bad way.
I managed to pull myself out of it before it got to unmanageable. And now I realized that it's my fault. I was putting too much pressure on myself. I was setting my expectations way too high. It's only natural that it would cause me to stumble.
As soon as I realized that, the cloud in my mind cleared, and I feel better. I'm still sad, I'm still lonely as all hell... but it's not the end. I'll get there someday, to a better place mentally speaking. And even if I don't, I think I'll be able to be proud of the progress that I made by the end.
Whatever you're going through right now, do us both a favor, and don't be so hard on yourself. We're only human. We stumble, we fall, but we can get back up... as long as we aren't weighing ourselves down with our own expectations. I'll try to remember that myself.
