But goddamn it, why do people react the way that they do?
Okay, so if you read my blogs, you might remember that I strongly suspected that I am an undiagnosed autistic. I've taken a few tests on embrace autism: the Autism Quotient, the RAADS-R, and the CAT-Q. Based on the results, I no longer suspect. Now I know that I'm an undiagnosed autistic. Yes, I know that it's not an official diagnosis. However, I also know how difficult, and expensive, getting a late diagnosis can be.
Anyway. As I slowly started telling people what I've been finding, their reactions are always the same. "No, you're not autistic." "Don't worry, you're not autistic." And other such responses that imply that it would be a bad thing. I know that they're trying to be reassuring. I know that they mean well. I do. But I'm not fishing for them to tell me that I'm 'normal'. I know that I'm not. I've learned that I've just been good at masking. Which is why they don't think that I could be autistic when I tell people.
This realization has given me a lot of understanding of a lot of my life. Looking back, it all makes so much more sense. And as I slowly learn to unmask, and to embrace the stims that I've apparently always used, I'm beginning to feel... better.
I know that my understanding of this is still very limited, and new. But it's a start.
