There's more to it than this, but it'll do.

8

Where to start? I mean, I know nobody actually reads this shit. But it's still nice to get this stuff out in some way. Even if it's basically just shouting into the void.

I've been dealing with anxiety for a while now. I mean, borderline debilitating levels of anxiety. It's caused a lot of issues that I didn't used to have to deal with. I...
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VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
wolfwood1203:
@tokenwhitegrrl  In the past, yeah. But lately it seems like it's just thirsty dudes and onlyfans posts. I don't usually get many responses anymore.
oldernow:
@wolfwood1203  I agree that this site has deteriorated into a pre-onlyfans platform and little else. I have mostly migrated to a couple of loosely connected folk on insta.  // regarding Buddhism: really the Hubert Benoit book is worth reading and not too fancy.  The Dalai Lama has produced a number of accessible books that don't mislead you if you go deeper.  Red Pine's "Heart Sutra" or "Cold Mountain Poems" are definitely worth a look.  for something genuinely off the wall, read Hakuin (18th century? earlier?) =- his commentary on the Heart Sutra is online in several places.  It sounds a lot crazier than it is, but i've been studying that sutra since 1966.  Everyone comments on it - as mentioned I'd start with Red Pine and the Dalai Lama.  // wishing you well.. wishing more community //

Damn kitten...

5

My brother got a kitten a couple months ago. She's a cute little thing that the kids named Ludo, after the big monster in Labyrinth. Well, today she got into my room for the first time. She found every damn spot where my Pilz-e used to like to sit, and sniffed them like crazy. Then she went under the bed... and found where he died....
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babel:
🥺💔

What fucking day is it?

5

Well, I'm starting to lose touch with people... again. I tend to go through periods where I feel like I'm just bothering the people in my life, so I stop reaching out to them. On one hand, I do get tired of having to be the one who always texts first. But on the other hand, that's exactly why I start feeling like a pest....
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unita:
oh how I understand you! sometimes it seems that I bring discomfort to other people when I write often
wolfwood1203:
@unita I really hate that feeling. Which is why I'll tell you, if you ever need to talk, you can always send me a message.

Fecking drama...

6

So, my brother's ex-wife has been living with us these last two months. For some reason. Now, none of us have any problems with her. She's actually been interacting with her kids, which is cool considering how many times she's abandoned and ignored them up to this point. Needless to say, they've learned not to get too attached. Which is really sad, but it's smart....
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I swear I'm not a masochist...

8

So, because of my impatience while waiting for Elden Ring to be released (yes, I will absolutely be playing it), I ended up downloading Sekiro. First time playing it, don't have any guides or walkthroughs, completely blind run. All I knew going in, was that it was supposedly crazy hard, maybe even the hardest in the Soulsbourne games. I'm not very far in, just killed...
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Feck...

9

I'm old. Today I'm officially closer to 40 than I am to 30. I'm not fan of birthdays. Too much disappointment over the years, I've learned not to place too much importance on them. But something about this one just... sucks.

I'm probably letting anxiety win the day again. I know that it's dumb, and that I shouldn't compare myself to other people. But when...
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babel:
If writing makes you happy, DO IT!!

I'm basically a raccoon.

9

Man, I didn't realize how fully nocturnal I've become until thinking about it earlier. I used to have to sleep in perfect dark. I kept my room so dark, that the little lights on electronics that indicate they're charging seemed bright by comparison. But insomnia took effect, and add the years passed, the time I actually fell asleep got later and later. Now, I don't...
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VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
oldernow:
@wolfwood1203  you might try the somewhat expensive app called "Calm" which has guided sleep relaxations, white noise and other stuff.  I teach meditation (and am a counselor) and many people have reported success in getting a bit of freedom from their anxiety listening to this stuff.   we have to remember that our unconscious colors with the 8 basic crayons =- i.e. simple, sappy, or dark emotions and while such "guided talks" are basically b.s. if they soothe the beast, then it's worth it.  to be clear i am not connected to this app other than at my student's request i've done some of their exercises and guided relaxations and can say they are at the least harmless and as i said, helpful to some.  anxiety is one of those beasts that once conquered is easy to kill, but until you find its heart as it were, it is a restless demon always changing shape...
wolfwood1203:
@oldernow The only trouble with guided anything, is that you have to be willing to give yourself over to the speaker, at least to a degree. It's like being hypnotized, it requires a level of surrender. And I'm too cynical and stubborn for that to work. I definitely don't begrudge anyone who can use those kinds of apps or guided meditation, but it's just not for me. I've spent the last few years in self reflection. Whenever I have an anxiety attack, or any depression related issues, I try to stop and look at what I was doing, what could have caused the issue. I've been able to use that to stop attacks, or to keep from snapping at people. It's also helped me understand a lot of what's going on in my head. It's slow going, but it's improving little by little.

Update.

9

Okay. So, last time I was angry, venting about how my idiot sister managed to give my 11 year old niece covid just days before she was going to get her vaccine. While she did test positive for covid 4 days ago now, my niece doesn't have any symptoms. So luckily, she's been fine this whole time. However, that still means that she's a carrier,...
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nebula:
I'm glad your niece is feeling better. Hope things keep improving 🙏🏻
libris:
I'm so glad she's doing well!  Is the rest of your family ok?

Fuck.

2

Jesus... Talk about a shitty end to a shitty year. My idiot sister has, for these last two years, insisted on going out to the bar to get shitfaced on an almost nightly basis. Yes, she's an alcoholic. The people she hangs out with are anti-mask, anti-vax, morons. So, today we find out that she tested positive for covid. The whole family, the remaining seven...
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nebula:
I hope your niece is doing okay and recovers quickly and without too much stress. One of my nieces just tested positive as well :/ though we think she got it from school :( unfortunately too many people acting selfish in this pandemic....
nebula:
good luck with your story! I'm trying to finish some written work this year also. fingers crossed for both of us

I'm not sure what to do.

5

So, I've been very candid about my situation. If you read my nonsensical ravings, you know about my failures in life, and what I'm doing with my life now.

I had, for a surprising amount of time, a few good friends in my life. But, you know how life works. They moved, got jobs, started lives, etc. We kept in touch, and saw each other...
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VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
wolfwood1203:
@libris The only reason I agreed to go out later tonight is because we'll be at his grandma's house. So it'll be just a handful of people, all of whom have been vaccinated. I never liked bars, even before. But, I don't drink. That aside, thank you. It's good to hear that every so often.
oldernow:
@wolfwood1203 glad it helped a bit - i was trying to say that while everybody fails, for approx. 60% of the world that is useless information, like tits on a bull or the reason behind taxes.  for most of us there are different paradigms that work better: for the inspiration-seeker, it is like fishing: mindlessly doing things like casting every minute actually won't help.  sometimes just sitting and waiting (as Aurora has said more than once) is the best way to gather information and energy.  my niece is like that... she worked a simple job in a flower shop for 10 years and everyone kept at her (but me) to "make something of yourself" then the shop went up for sale, she bought it and two years later became the most successful retail store in town.  so long as we aren't getting sucked dry by waiting... if we are, then we gotta move... gotta run with the wolves... (btw the warriorsandweirdos board is interesting, and the instagram community around Aurora is unusually supportive and creative--but maybe you already know these things...)

I'm lazy.

7

Okay, so I didn't do a lot of baking this year for xmas... But I couldn't skip making these. As long as I can remember, they've always been an xmas staple for my family. Russian Teacakes, Mexican Wedding Cakes, call them what you will. We always called them Snowballs. Happy holidays, hope anyone reading this has a good one.

What holiday foods did you keep...
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vithen:
I want to eat all
rare:
Nice!

Can't sleep.

5

So, my anxiety has adapted to my coping strategies. I used to be able to recognize when an anxiety attack was approaching, and I could take the necessary action to stop it. That usually meant taking a Xanax. I recognized about 20 or 30 minutes ago that I was in the middle of an attack, and frantically began the search for my meds. I checked...
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VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
wolfwood1203:
@vithen That's harder to do than you might expect. I don't really know who I am anymore, or what I like. I've spent too many years deferring to the wants of others, and I lost myself in the process.
vithen:
I know what you mean 💖
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