Hooray for being a wimp!
Blogs are a great place to vent. Those who read them really don't care much and it allows a person to say what they want and get it off their chest. However I take a small risk in writing here as some friends may read it including one whom this may concern but I'm a little (more then a little) drunk and feel like I want to speak my mind but there's no one to vent to except the glowing screen in front of me.
For anyone that may not already know I'm a 22 year old virgin. Yes I'm over 50% of the way to being the 40 year old virgin. But I would like to think I wouldn't be nearly as bad as him even if I'm already a geek. I do and I don't know what my problem is. I know that I need to be around more women in social situations that are conducive to sex, phone numbers and dates but I still don't know what my problem is. I act myself almost wherever I go. When I talk to people I have just met I act myself guy or girl. I try to be confident even though I'm a bit shy. But the advice I receive and read over and over is 'be confident' 'be yourself' 'be original' 'act natural.' Maybe I'm lying to myself but isn't that what I've been doing? And where has that gotten me? Some good friendships with women. Which is great, don't get me wrong. But when I'm attracted to them at the same time I can't help but wonder occasionally 'what is it that is preventing a more intimate relationship with them?' Which only lends to insecurities and lack of confidence in my weight, appearance, personality and intelligence. I tend to subscribe to a friends theory that her sleeping with my room mate was meant to boot his confidence. As if having sex will somehow boost my confidence and lower my inhibitions of just putting myself out there. That getting past those first awkward moments of taking a woman to bed will leave me more at ease in future endeavors with the fairer sex. But I honestly don't think sex is my hang up. I've been thinking more and more that failure is my problem. And it's something that has held me back all my life. I often choose not to try or put forward to much effort for fear of failure. It's obvious if you look at my school career. I've hardly put any effort into school. I've always just sort of coasted by on what I have. Which has lead to a B average for most of school. I don't study or over exert myself because if I do and fail anyway I will feel as though I will fail regardless of my efforts. While if I don't study and don't try and fail I can just say "well I did ok considering that I didn't even try." So romantically my problem is that maybe I'm not trying. I'm not talking to enough women. I'm not complimenting them enough and asking them to dance or buying them drinks because I would see that as effort and then when I fail I would feel like a failure despite my best efforts. But if I don't hit on women or ask for phone numbers and I go to bed alone every night I can just say "well it's no big deal I didn't even try but I still had fun."
And of coarse jealousy sets in. I see guys taking girls home, guys who have women almost literally fall into their laps and for that matter my own room mate, who is stuck in this off and on relationship/friends with benefits thing, going to bed with this girl for little or no other reason then they don't want to sleep alone. I give myself excuses like those guys are just dogs or those guys are just scumbags or those girls are sluts. But I still ask "why can't I have that?" Have I done something wrong? Is it karmic retribution? Am I not funny enough? Am I to fat? Am I not smart enough (unofficial IQ scores between 110-125 so about average)? Do I just need to compliment women more? I've always assumed that my generally kind and giving disposition was enough to show that I'm a nice guy but maybe I do have to make it more well known that I think a girl has pretty eyes even though it's obvious since I'm looking right into them.
*Sigh*
ok enough being depressing and making myself upset being being introspective while being on such a wonderful depressant as beer. I'm going to drink some more water and go to bed.
Blogs are a great place to vent. Those who read them really don't care much and it allows a person to say what they want and get it off their chest. However I take a small risk in writing here as some friends may read it including one whom this may concern but I'm a little (more then a little) drunk and feel like I want to speak my mind but there's no one to vent to except the glowing screen in front of me.
For anyone that may not already know I'm a 22 year old virgin. Yes I'm over 50% of the way to being the 40 year old virgin. But I would like to think I wouldn't be nearly as bad as him even if I'm already a geek. I do and I don't know what my problem is. I know that I need to be around more women in social situations that are conducive to sex, phone numbers and dates but I still don't know what my problem is. I act myself almost wherever I go. When I talk to people I have just met I act myself guy or girl. I try to be confident even though I'm a bit shy. But the advice I receive and read over and over is 'be confident' 'be yourself' 'be original' 'act natural.' Maybe I'm lying to myself but isn't that what I've been doing? And where has that gotten me? Some good friendships with women. Which is great, don't get me wrong. But when I'm attracted to them at the same time I can't help but wonder occasionally 'what is it that is preventing a more intimate relationship with them?' Which only lends to insecurities and lack of confidence in my weight, appearance, personality and intelligence. I tend to subscribe to a friends theory that her sleeping with my room mate was meant to boot his confidence. As if having sex will somehow boost my confidence and lower my inhibitions of just putting myself out there. That getting past those first awkward moments of taking a woman to bed will leave me more at ease in future endeavors with the fairer sex. But I honestly don't think sex is my hang up. I've been thinking more and more that failure is my problem. And it's something that has held me back all my life. I often choose not to try or put forward to much effort for fear of failure. It's obvious if you look at my school career. I've hardly put any effort into school. I've always just sort of coasted by on what I have. Which has lead to a B average for most of school. I don't study or over exert myself because if I do and fail anyway I will feel as though I will fail regardless of my efforts. While if I don't study and don't try and fail I can just say "well I did ok considering that I didn't even try." So romantically my problem is that maybe I'm not trying. I'm not talking to enough women. I'm not complimenting them enough and asking them to dance or buying them drinks because I would see that as effort and then when I fail I would feel like a failure despite my best efforts. But if I don't hit on women or ask for phone numbers and I go to bed alone every night I can just say "well it's no big deal I didn't even try but I still had fun."
And of coarse jealousy sets in. I see guys taking girls home, guys who have women almost literally fall into their laps and for that matter my own room mate, who is stuck in this off and on relationship/friends with benefits thing, going to bed with this girl for little or no other reason then they don't want to sleep alone. I give myself excuses like those guys are just dogs or those guys are just scumbags or those girls are sluts. But I still ask "why can't I have that?" Have I done something wrong? Is it karmic retribution? Am I not funny enough? Am I to fat? Am I not smart enough (unofficial IQ scores between 110-125 so about average)? Do I just need to compliment women more? I've always assumed that my generally kind and giving disposition was enough to show that I'm a nice guy but maybe I do have to make it more well known that I think a girl has pretty eyes even though it's obvious since I'm looking right into them.
*Sigh*
ok enough being depressing and making myself upset being being introspective while being on such a wonderful depressant as beer. I'm going to drink some more water and go to bed.
Think of all the STDs you're not contracting.