continuing on yesterdays post:
the more i think about it it was a combination of things. from the ages of 13-16 my hormones went haywire (this being the period when i was most violent) my body was groing faster than my mind. i guess my effective teenage years extended into my 20's. after a few emotional meltdowns ( one is in an earlier post) i seem to have walked away with a stronger sense of who i am.
now for the other factor, my parents, my father is a kind and gentle man, never once did he hit my brother or i. but he was always working. he averaged 10-12 hours a day in the factory on 2nd shift so he was already at work when i got home from school. and on the weekends he was running our small farm.
he was a good provider for the family but not emotionally because he was alwasy too busy. my mother worked as well usually coming home around 8-9 pm
my mother was a diabetic and never watched her diet. this would make her fly of the handle easily ( i still have the images of my mother assaulting my father ) ok, so i get some of my temper from my mother, but my adult self is far more in control then she could ever be.
her idead of motivating me ( my brother was her darling as he did all the things she liked) was comparing me to everyone " why can't you get good grades like your cousins?' why can't you play an instrument like your brother?" etc. she was trying to live her life through me. never once did she show any interest in anything i cared about.
it was why couldn't i be like someone else. thanks mom...
well, i have shaken off most of that. i know what i am capeable of and no longer have the sense of inferiority i once did. sometimes it shows it's self but only when dealing with women. again, thanks mom!
another restless night. this weekend i'm going to stay up for days. maybe this will make so so tired i'll get a good deep sleep.
the more i think about it it was a combination of things. from the ages of 13-16 my hormones went haywire (this being the period when i was most violent) my body was groing faster than my mind. i guess my effective teenage years extended into my 20's. after a few emotional meltdowns ( one is in an earlier post) i seem to have walked away with a stronger sense of who i am.
now for the other factor, my parents, my father is a kind and gentle man, never once did he hit my brother or i. but he was always working. he averaged 10-12 hours a day in the factory on 2nd shift so he was already at work when i got home from school. and on the weekends he was running our small farm.
he was a good provider for the family but not emotionally because he was alwasy too busy. my mother worked as well usually coming home around 8-9 pm
my mother was a diabetic and never watched her diet. this would make her fly of the handle easily ( i still have the images of my mother assaulting my father ) ok, so i get some of my temper from my mother, but my adult self is far more in control then she could ever be.
her idead of motivating me ( my brother was her darling as he did all the things she liked) was comparing me to everyone " why can't you get good grades like your cousins?' why can't you play an instrument like your brother?" etc. she was trying to live her life through me. never once did she show any interest in anything i cared about.
it was why couldn't i be like someone else. thanks mom...
well, i have shaken off most of that. i know what i am capeable of and no longer have the sense of inferiority i once did. sometimes it shows it's self but only when dealing with women. again, thanks mom!
another restless night. this weekend i'm going to stay up for days. maybe this will make so so tired i'll get a good deep sleep.
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~R