Sunday Jan 18, 2004

0
Bad Karma

sometimes you get what you deserve not what you want.

my parents tried for 15 years to concieve. finally turning to fertility drugs. i wonder, did the chemicals alter me?
" that's the ugliest baby i ever saw" my dad was quoted as saying when i was born. great start to a great life.
tiffanyjewel:
I Love you Will, and if you are altered its for the best! I love that you can tell me when shit is about to hit the fan!!!!! wink
tanx:
hey man, many ppl pay big bucks to get chemically altered, and your parents did it for you! count yourself lucky. but seriously, does it really matter if the drugs did anything? you are who you are, if you were anyone else, then *you* wouldnt exist.

Sunday Jan 18, 2004

0
as i sit here shivering from the cold trying to save on my heating bill
memories come flooding back
that which i have tried to forget
breaking free from my mind
the 8 year old self
the 16 yearold self
the 24 year old self
each wants their say
but it's my 35 year old self paying the bills , typing with cold-numbed fingers trying...
Read More
tanx:
omg! im not the only one that sits in the cold to save on the heating bill!!!

salvation in this world is a myth. it denotes a saving of oneself through means other than the natural. the only way to makes things better is to try. it can happen. its a matter of effort and luck.

we can change ourselves, but it takes a show of personal strength that is impressive. and discipline. hold yourself to a higher standard, and after time that standard becomes the norm. lie to yourself if need be, and stick with it. once you believe the lie, the lie becomes the truth because you are what you perceive excepting for the usual shadings of the minor glitches. be honest with yourself about who you are so you know what you want to change, and then make yourself believe you are what you want to be.

Sunday Jan 18, 2004

0
once at a neighbors house
once at my own house
twice in Fort Wayne

guns and knives were aimed at me
each time they missed or didn't pull the trigger
each one had me dead to rights

were they afraid? i wasn't, in fact i felt nothing at all.
maybe that's what kept me alive

Sunday Jan 18, 2004

0
the nightmares are less frequent now
i wish they were imaginary
then i could dismiss them

i dream not of ghosts or goblin
but of myself
it's like looking at another person at times
violent, full of rage
the damage i have done has not been limited to the people i have hurt.
tanx:
at least you recognize it

Sunday Jan 18, 2004

0
sitting on my bed
body shaking,tears streaming down
everything falling apart around me
the automatic craddled in my hands
thinking it wouldn't be that hard
i thought i was in love
i thought it should be over
i thought of my father
i thought of my brother
i tossed the gun aside,curled up and went to sleep

what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger?...
Read More
tanx:
what doesnt kill you pisses you off, wastes your time, and ruins your life. wink

also, killing yourself is a sign of submission, not weakness or strength.

Sunday Jan 18, 2004

0
hmm well, i was going to go buy a journal and start writing finally. i tried when i was in my late teens /early 20's oh god was it awful! now, over a decade later and being inspired by charles bukowski i once more step into the breach*

*disclaimer: bad grammar, spelling,etc are compilments of a school system which had not the interest nor capacity...
Read More
willdabeast:
arrrrgh!

[Edited on Jan 18, 2004 9:48PM]