wildseven

Okay i don't know what's wrong with me today but writing seems to help, most times anyway, so i think i'm gonna try that. It's not going well. I'm pretty sure i'm failing two of my six classes. Every time i try and work, i start thinking how little i have with my life. At the minute, anyway, i don't have anything to look forward too. Not for the near future anyway. I still have half a year of college left, and already it's become unbearable. I have SG Chat to look forward to, but i'm half afraid i might wear out my welcome, if i go on too much. I'm going to try my hand at some creative writing again. I was told, when i was in secondary school, that i was quite good at it, but i've sorta been focused on college until now, before i made all my recent personal revelations. Shit, i'm even drawing a blank with writing this now... i'm hoping it's because i'm lethargic today, but you never know. I've another appointment with my neurologist this week, a year since the last one, so because he coordinates everything, i'm going to ask about mental health through him, possibly something to get rid of my anxiety, preferrably a non-chemical method. I've also started to think about what i'm going to do after college. I mean what if i have time left over after doing all my travels? I haven't even thought of that. I mean it's all well and good accomplishing everything i want, but what if i have extra time left? After i've done all that. Will i have to get a job or something when i blow all my savings? Seriously, it's never really crossed my mind. Ideally, i'd like to settle down, but hasn't been all that i've done so far? I mean it's been settling down on my own, but still. Is it not the same principle? Another thing i've wondered is this: if you're almost positive your feelings for a woman aren't reciprocated, is there any point in telling her how you feel? What's the point in needlessly complicating things, for no reason? I know, this is just a blog about random shit. I know my blogs aren't normally in the interrogative tense, but is having them like that such a bad thing? At what point do rhetorical questions start to annoy people? Do i really want to reach that limit? Have i already passed it?

Starting again 18 hours later: Ok... the last few were joke ones, i'll admit that! For some reason i've been listening to a lot of Pink Floyd for the past few days. And they're a great band, but i sometimes get pretty down listening to them. Last night, for instance, when i started writing this. My mood's improved a good bit since then, but still i'm not going to edit what i wrote during that time. More honest, i suppose, and i'm trying to be an honest person from here on out. Don't see the point on holding back anymore haha, i just realised this is sort of contradicting what i wrote last night! But what the hell... haha. Hmmm, i'm trying to think of something more to write. I suppose i write best when i'm having a down day. I've been thinking a lot about doing another degree, instead of my current one. Maybe something in computers... not programming, but something i like. Something less stressful than what i'm doing now.

Today in chat i got to hear some of the worst shit i've ever heard. The amount of stuff some people have had to go through is unbelievable. For me, anyway, it really puts it all in perspective. I'm thankful that my life has been relatively good, from the personal side of things, other stuff aside. It also gives insight into what people are like, how they've been affected, what's made them who they are today. I know it's horrible to have happened, and is really painful to recount, but, i think, it's necessary to really get to know someone. To hear the hardships they've beaten, and have yet to beat. That's the thing though, that doesn't really happen in public. That's the bit i've never really found, before SG. I know some people are going to think i'm a bit weird to keep harping back to joining the site, but it really is hard to explain how big a change it was. Gonna play COD: MW2 for a while. Finish the blog after, 17:37

22:55. Gonna try and finish this tonight. Before i head off. I don't know, kind of to finish off the week. It's been a tough one. I ended up skipping college on friday because i just couldn't take it. All the work and pressure just makes me think about the time i'm wasting there. No friends, no career out of it, just thinking about it while i'm there makes me loathe it even more. And it all starts to spiral. Before i go home, sleep it off and start it all again the next day. Except it doesn't start again from the top. Starts from slightly further below the top every day. Making the fall to the bottom all the quicker, making it harder every day. I know the end of semester is getting pretty close, but it's not close enough. I hope that will sort out everything, but then i have the exams, then the next semester. I know it's only about 6 months to go, but right now it feels an unbearable amount of time. I'm sure there's some poetry reference or something for time stretching out, but hell i can't think of it...

Shite, i hadn't realised how long this was... I had only intended on a short one, but meh, I don't know... I suppose the main things i want to blog about aren't really events, just more what i'm going through, to record it somewhere. I'm thinking of making all my blogs private now though. Maybe try to think of ideas to write about. I've tried my hand at horror and sci-fi, but i'm thinking of trying out something different, something where i won't run into a brick wall after a few pages. Still have no ideas...

This is a rare one... It's just gone 23:35 and instead of getting more relaxed i'm starting to think all weird again. Paranoia, doubt, all the colours of the bad rainbow. The type of thing where all the plans i've made seem completely unnattainable, ridiculous and just stupid. The type of thing that runs through your head, ripping up the good train tracks that have been laid in the past while, temporarily anyway. And now the dark cloud's getting bigger and darker. I think this is the first time i've documented a descent in real time. Normally when i blog i'm coming right out of a bad moment, but this is the first time i've blogged during the start of an episode. I don't know how my demeanour has changed so much in the past hour and a half. Perhaps some depressing music to fall asleep to might do something... Classical or grunge, pink floyd maybe... i'm probably going to regret writing this in, in the morning, but what the hell. Everything feels like it's falling to shit now anyway. What's the fuckin point in censoring all the bullshit. Now i'm getting really annoyed and fuckin moody. And i have to go... I reckon it's gonna be a tough day tomorrow...