tonight i went and attended a party that i was mostly tangental to. in any case, it was yet again another sense of dislodging when i found out they had kids. all of them. and i was the only person under 25 that didn't have kids or was planning on it.
tonight i had a vicious thought. consider:
if life hasn't taken any effort to make me happy, why does it deserve to have me generate happiness and inspiration among my friends? i'm working for free here. for once, just once, it would be wonderful if something amazing happened to me. something that could last for a prolonged period of time and help me reach self-actualization, not hinder me at every step of the way.
tonight i was finally able to write in my journal again (hand-written, none of this blog web-based crap). two pages were torn out of journal 0, which i vowed never to do, but they were two very painful pages.
again, i apologize for this emo crap. feel free to just ignore any of this. it's a side of me few are aware of and i just don't feel like finding a working pen to write in the journal again tonight.
the pages. the last 'entry' i had made in the journal (all are undated, so i have a vague idea of when this happened).: it was pleasantly victorious, a little bout of megalomania thrown in because when i wrote those pages i was at the top of the world. i had fulfilled an ambition i had wanted since i could remember first experiencing the emotion of attraction.
for once in mu llife, i had it down. i was happy. more importantly, i was realized. i cannot say this of anyone i know. she made me feel more complete than i had ever felt before.
and then it's gone. a memory i can't make real anymore.
it honestly hurts to channel such language on purpose.
maybe one day i will feel like i can start being with my friends again, and enjoy it. right now, i'm a terrible state of existence and i actively wish i don't wake up on a day where i feel useless. it hasn't happened yet for three weeks.
tonight i had a vicious thought. consider:
if life hasn't taken any effort to make me happy, why does it deserve to have me generate happiness and inspiration among my friends? i'm working for free here. for once, just once, it would be wonderful if something amazing happened to me. something that could last for a prolonged period of time and help me reach self-actualization, not hinder me at every step of the way.
tonight i was finally able to write in my journal again (hand-written, none of this blog web-based crap). two pages were torn out of journal 0, which i vowed never to do, but they were two very painful pages.
again, i apologize for this emo crap. feel free to just ignore any of this. it's a side of me few are aware of and i just don't feel like finding a working pen to write in the journal again tonight.
the pages. the last 'entry' i had made in the journal (all are undated, so i have a vague idea of when this happened).: it was pleasantly victorious, a little bout of megalomania thrown in because when i wrote those pages i was at the top of the world. i had fulfilled an ambition i had wanted since i could remember first experiencing the emotion of attraction.
for once in mu llife, i had it down. i was happy. more importantly, i was realized. i cannot say this of anyone i know. she made me feel more complete than i had ever felt before.
and then it's gone. a memory i can't make real anymore.
it honestly hurts to channel such language on purpose.
maybe one day i will feel like i can start being with my friends again, and enjoy it. right now, i'm a terrible state of existence and i actively wish i don't wake up on a day where i feel useless. it hasn't happened yet for three weeks.
Feel better babe. Was that you who left me an IM? Sorry I didn't recognize your name if it was. Let me know if you wanna grab some lunch and get out or anything!