wild_zero

....I've been thinking for a while on how to respond to this, and I'm still uncertain. Saying I know how you feel, no matter how true, just sounds...stupid. Letting you know you arent alone in feeling this way seems important, but at the same time ultimately a useless gesture. And telling you that this too shall pass would just be blowing sunshine up your ass, because I see the future no better than you.

I can tell you what I've learned, for what its worth.

For a society so rich, we are also empty, disconnected, and desperate, you're seeing this right now. People feel ever more like cogs in an ever more callous machine, like they dont count in this world, and we all seem to have an emptiness where something is supposed to be, something unnamed but important. And not knowing how to fill that emptiness, we turn to Zoloft and Prozak, to drinking and drugs, to the internet for a false feeling of community, or serial relationships, hopping from lover to lover in hopes of filling the void, or at least numbing the pain. Its like a slow death, like being dragged cross broken glass every day of your waking life. It sucks.

So what is the void? I dont know, and I suspect its different for everybody. Some of it is a need for love, I have often thought some of it was just a need to be touched, simple human contact, which shouldnt be confused as a need for love but often is. Some of it is a need for something deeper than money, career, bills, and the bottom line, a need for close friends, for family, for community in the older, more tribe-like sense of the word. Some might be a need for mystery, for wonder, for spirituality (not religion), for creativity, art, imagination, magic, for things which make no logical sense and dont really fit in our bottom-line society, but which the human soul needs in order to thrive.

No one person can ever fill all of the void, but it sure as hell helps when you have one, you'll never hear me argue there. But what I have also found is that the people who are worth it arent usually found in places you'd expect. They arent in the business rooms or hanging out with the crowds, instead, they have places of their own. They're like a secret underground, once you know one you can find yourself plunged into a world you didnt know existed, one that lives just beneath the surface of the everyday world, and there the truly unique and alive members of society thrive. If you're too traditional in your approach, all you'll ever find is traditionally miserable people, sometimes you have to shift your focus a little.

Keep in mind, you could also be in the wrong city, the wrong state, even the wrong side of the world. Sometimes it isnt you, its the area, Each area has a distinct culture and draws a distinct personality type--I recall being horrified at Atlanta's conservative nature when I first moved here, its nothing like what I'm used to. Maybe Atlanta is your dead end, not you as a person, maybe you need to look elsewhere instead. Atlanta can be a fun city if you like the kinds of entertainment it offers. Myself, I find it...tame, and the people by and large of a high school mentality, even well into their 30s and 40s and beyond. I like it here, but in a "nice place to visit" sort of sense. I cant see myself staying.

Is she crying? Yes, probably. Is she watching bad movies alone at night? Possibly. Is she looking for you? Yes. She just may not know it yet. Thats all I can offer for hope, that and the fact you're 23, and I didnt even have my first love until then. Building is always harder than destroying--it takes months to make a building, but just seconds to blow it up, it takes almost a year to create a child, but only minutes to kill them. You are looking to build, a relationship, a love, a life. It will be hard and it will take time, but it will come. Dont give up yet.

And, if you ever want someone to watch movies with or just yammer at...like I said, I know how you feel. Good luck, and feel better,okay?

Oh dear. I'm worried now, mister. I'll call you soon.