so, the other night, i'm just hanging out with my friend sam at the majestic. the usual thing to do.
most people who meet sam tend to say that he likes to make stuff up. a lot of people say that about me as well.
i believe it's in the way he delivers comments about things, and he tends to speak in generalizations. the generalizations get cast aside when i listen, and i'm one of the few people that know he's actually had a wealth of experiences - so i pick and choose from his particular brand of wisdom.
we sit at the majestic and he comments that i'm losing my appetite because i'm slowly slipping into a sedentary lifestyle. that the key was to find something outside of the work that i truly enjoy and at the same time is active - burning off negative energy - all that crap.
i mean, all things aside, he was completely on target.
the problem is, very few things are bringing me joy anymore.
up until now, things in my life seemed to average out with me coming out ahead. for example, if i got depressed because i couldn't pick up girls, there was always something else in my life just completely fantastic that i could latch onto and feel great again.
i don't really have that right now. i've been a sore loser at the games (board/card/video) i play for quite some time now. i'm nowhere 'in shape' where i want to be - i've not yet found the right diet and/or physical activity that makes me feel good.
the one thing that's fantastic is my work, but that doesn't really make me happy. it's just what i would do anyway. it's not really bringing me joy.
i suppose the worst thing of late is that when i do get those fleeting moments where i'm happy and content and feeling great, i still come home to my lonely self, the silence, and just back to the confusion.
it was around 1 am the other night and i turned on the 88.5. i want to hear the cure's "just like heaven". it turns out some girl i had met a few months back was the dj - she never called me back after i hung out with her a second time. i call and request this song - but it couldn't be played because it didn't fit the show format. try the other dj at 2 am she said.
that's an entire metaphor for my life.
tonight, a guy bummed a clove off me. i gladly gave him one and lit it for him.
minutes later, he came back and tried to bum a second one.
what i told him really bothered me after i said it: "no, man, i'm sorry but i'm down to my last one." - of course, i wasn't, and i realized that he knew i just lied to him, since he took the clove out of the pack and there were at least 6 in there.
it bothered me because in the split-second it took me to decide what to say to him, i opted to lie because i felt that would sound better than "no, i don't want to give you a clove." that too would have been a lie. i wanted to share, but i really planned on smoking the rest.
so what bothers me is why i felt that lie was better than the other one.
why is truth so difficult to accept? if i had spent the time to explain why i didn't want to give him a second clove, i'm sure that would have been best. so again, why did i only think of two lies to say, and i picked the "lesser" of the two?
i just want to either solve the problem or know that i can't solve it and give up.
this is essentially the fuel on which my depression burns. i percieve nothing to be wrong, but nothing improves and nothing brings me joy. so i conclude that something is wrong but i can't know what it is because no one can tell me, and least of all i can't figure it out either. so then i just sit there and search for things to find me joy.
i've come up with a ton of things that would bring me joy but that are impossible. the number one thing that sticks out is going to cmu and making something happen and getting a phd for it. i can't do this because i can't afford it. i can't get a raise at work because they're not giving me enough projects to prove my worth beyond what i'm getting now.
is this what psychologists are for? i seriously doubt that if i can't define things that bring me joy in my immediate realm of possibilities that someone else can for me. i also think it's a scam - i've got enough friends that'll listen to my problems up to a point, and i don't need to pay them money.
i'm really fucking tired and i want today to stop.
most people who meet sam tend to say that he likes to make stuff up. a lot of people say that about me as well.
i believe it's in the way he delivers comments about things, and he tends to speak in generalizations. the generalizations get cast aside when i listen, and i'm one of the few people that know he's actually had a wealth of experiences - so i pick and choose from his particular brand of wisdom.
we sit at the majestic and he comments that i'm losing my appetite because i'm slowly slipping into a sedentary lifestyle. that the key was to find something outside of the work that i truly enjoy and at the same time is active - burning off negative energy - all that crap.
i mean, all things aside, he was completely on target.
the problem is, very few things are bringing me joy anymore.
up until now, things in my life seemed to average out with me coming out ahead. for example, if i got depressed because i couldn't pick up girls, there was always something else in my life just completely fantastic that i could latch onto and feel great again.
i don't really have that right now. i've been a sore loser at the games (board/card/video) i play for quite some time now. i'm nowhere 'in shape' where i want to be - i've not yet found the right diet and/or physical activity that makes me feel good.
the one thing that's fantastic is my work, but that doesn't really make me happy. it's just what i would do anyway. it's not really bringing me joy.
i suppose the worst thing of late is that when i do get those fleeting moments where i'm happy and content and feeling great, i still come home to my lonely self, the silence, and just back to the confusion.
it was around 1 am the other night and i turned on the 88.5. i want to hear the cure's "just like heaven". it turns out some girl i had met a few months back was the dj - she never called me back after i hung out with her a second time. i call and request this song - but it couldn't be played because it didn't fit the show format. try the other dj at 2 am she said.
that's an entire metaphor for my life.
tonight, a guy bummed a clove off me. i gladly gave him one and lit it for him.
minutes later, he came back and tried to bum a second one.
what i told him really bothered me after i said it: "no, man, i'm sorry but i'm down to my last one." - of course, i wasn't, and i realized that he knew i just lied to him, since he took the clove out of the pack and there were at least 6 in there.
it bothered me because in the split-second it took me to decide what to say to him, i opted to lie because i felt that would sound better than "no, i don't want to give you a clove." that too would have been a lie. i wanted to share, but i really planned on smoking the rest.
so what bothers me is why i felt that lie was better than the other one.
why is truth so difficult to accept? if i had spent the time to explain why i didn't want to give him a second clove, i'm sure that would have been best. so again, why did i only think of two lies to say, and i picked the "lesser" of the two?
i just want to either solve the problem or know that i can't solve it and give up.
this is essentially the fuel on which my depression burns. i percieve nothing to be wrong, but nothing improves and nothing brings me joy. so i conclude that something is wrong but i can't know what it is because no one can tell me, and least of all i can't figure it out either. so then i just sit there and search for things to find me joy.
i've come up with a ton of things that would bring me joy but that are impossible. the number one thing that sticks out is going to cmu and making something happen and getting a phd for it. i can't do this because i can't afford it. i can't get a raise at work because they're not giving me enough projects to prove my worth beyond what i'm getting now.
is this what psychologists are for? i seriously doubt that if i can't define things that bring me joy in my immediate realm of possibilities that someone else can for me. i also think it's a scam - i've got enough friends that'll listen to my problems up to a point, and i don't need to pay them money.
i'm really fucking tired and i want today to stop.