wild_zero

i wouldn't call it a loss; on the one hand, there wasn't much to interact with. on the other, i actually ended up meditating on a variety of signals. she was also there - in my head - so i didn't dance alone.

whenever i find myself in a loop, i've come to terms with its language and can now stop it whenever it gets to be too much. this isn't so much a skill as it a fundamental rite of survival. to constantly be plagued by bullshit cleverly masked as reason is no way to amble through this very, very finite existence.

when the vision comes into focus, it brings me peace and hope. there are times when the constraints impeding that vision become a point of frustration - and i try my best not to despair and keep moving towards it. what i think brings me serenity is that she's completely absent from it. that's not to say she won't be there, or that i don't want her there. it's more that - when i picture the joy and freedom it's a realization of self and being where it doesn't matter that's she is present at that time. it's all about the perfect bliss, almost like a state of suspended animation where i'm lost in its essence and exist in my true form.

she's got to have mobility, strength, directed passion, and the unique sense of place. in spanish, we call it el paso, which literally translated means "the stride" or "the walk" as in "you walk the walk..."

i'm so close, god-damnit. i feel it when i move and it's near me when i'm at rest. it won't be long now - i simply have to keep moving towards her and embrace all these elements.