aye, i feel somewhat inconsiderate. seriously, thanks for the birthday shout outs. being 24 is suddenly bizarre.
this month has been punctured with lots of sadness here and there, in what would have otherwise been the best ever. on the one hand, i'm not at the bottom - i'm not trapped under the weight of the vicious depression that tends to consume my everyday activity in a shroud of pain. no, i've not felt or been there recently. it worries me a little because i feel it close and yet detached from me like a spectre that's lost its way. acknowledging it, but not feeding it.
i've had two terrible crushes this month. i don't know what to think anymore about this one girl. i'm writing her a short, 80-page novella entirely about the landscape of my dream world. there's something alive in the way she acts and moves towards me. it would hurt me terribly if it's all just cocaine. of course, she's with someone else right now. this was made clear yesterday. but i just don't get it. it's not real to me. don't get me wrong - i'm neither jealous nor plotting anything stupid. all i'm saying is that one can simply love whoever they want for whatever reason, and not have stupid invented structures create unfortunate situations. there can be love without ruining somebody else's relationship. is that wrong? dangerous? stupid? i don't really care. i'm honestly sick and tired of meeting perfectly awesome people day in and day out and being unable to form a relationship with that person that goes beyond acquaintance. nothing destructive. simply, being able to explore ideas and concepts and not have an artificial wall constructed. someone else's jealousy is not my problem. there can be love without a physical component to it. relationships are merely a state of mind, a temporal existence, and if it works out or doesn't, it doesn't matter because we're all blips in time and our actions are irrelevant.
the other girl came unexpectedly and i don't know what to make of it all. co-existing crushes just don't seem to align themselves into a common explanation. she was also alive and readily affectionate, an attitude which is rare. in a world where people are making walls, she seemed to be devoid of them. i wish i had more time to understand her. unlike some others, she had her own nomenclature and definitions. she had her own system. her own view. if it wasn't expressed explicitly, it was because she had no need to. there was something wonderful in that wisdom, and i can't help but want to embrace that.
what happened between the two didn't seem like a wall. rather, i'm somewhat confused by the entire fiasco because there isn't all the information out on the table and nobody really wants to speak straight about it, if even "it" is something that hasn't materialized yet, or ever will. it really doesn't matter.
life is far too short to not pursue beautiful things. things that align with my values and have love. if nothing comes of it all, it doesn't matter.
at least it gives me an excuse to live as a 24 year old this year. ian curtis may have seen nothing to look forward to, and i can't say i don't understand the things he probably saw at my age. in a way, there's no choice in this life. i'm a mystic. a wounded healer. it's my role. i didn't ask for it, but i didn't push it away, either. it's what i am best at and what does best for everyone.
i hate comparisons, but what really keeps me going is that maybe one day, i'll have a place with anais nin, henry miller, charles bukowski, aldous huxley, tom robbins and richard brautigan - and anyone else i've left out.
time to write. and maybe eat a sandwich.
this month has been punctured with lots of sadness here and there, in what would have otherwise been the best ever. on the one hand, i'm not at the bottom - i'm not trapped under the weight of the vicious depression that tends to consume my everyday activity in a shroud of pain. no, i've not felt or been there recently. it worries me a little because i feel it close and yet detached from me like a spectre that's lost its way. acknowledging it, but not feeding it.
i've had two terrible crushes this month. i don't know what to think anymore about this one girl. i'm writing her a short, 80-page novella entirely about the landscape of my dream world. there's something alive in the way she acts and moves towards me. it would hurt me terribly if it's all just cocaine. of course, she's with someone else right now. this was made clear yesterday. but i just don't get it. it's not real to me. don't get me wrong - i'm neither jealous nor plotting anything stupid. all i'm saying is that one can simply love whoever they want for whatever reason, and not have stupid invented structures create unfortunate situations. there can be love without ruining somebody else's relationship. is that wrong? dangerous? stupid? i don't really care. i'm honestly sick and tired of meeting perfectly awesome people day in and day out and being unable to form a relationship with that person that goes beyond acquaintance. nothing destructive. simply, being able to explore ideas and concepts and not have an artificial wall constructed. someone else's jealousy is not my problem. there can be love without a physical component to it. relationships are merely a state of mind, a temporal existence, and if it works out or doesn't, it doesn't matter because we're all blips in time and our actions are irrelevant.
the other girl came unexpectedly and i don't know what to make of it all. co-existing crushes just don't seem to align themselves into a common explanation. she was also alive and readily affectionate, an attitude which is rare. in a world where people are making walls, she seemed to be devoid of them. i wish i had more time to understand her. unlike some others, she had her own nomenclature and definitions. she had her own system. her own view. if it wasn't expressed explicitly, it was because she had no need to. there was something wonderful in that wisdom, and i can't help but want to embrace that.
what happened between the two didn't seem like a wall. rather, i'm somewhat confused by the entire fiasco because there isn't all the information out on the table and nobody really wants to speak straight about it, if even "it" is something that hasn't materialized yet, or ever will. it really doesn't matter.
life is far too short to not pursue beautiful things. things that align with my values and have love. if nothing comes of it all, it doesn't matter.
at least it gives me an excuse to live as a 24 year old this year. ian curtis may have seen nothing to look forward to, and i can't say i don't understand the things he probably saw at my age. in a way, there's no choice in this life. i'm a mystic. a wounded healer. it's my role. i didn't ask for it, but i didn't push it away, either. it's what i am best at and what does best for everyone.
i hate comparisons, but what really keeps me going is that maybe one day, i'll have a place with anais nin, henry miller, charles bukowski, aldous huxley, tom robbins and richard brautigan - and anyone else i've left out.
time to write. and maybe eat a sandwich.
hasselhoff:
Holy shit - We have the same birth day. We are indeed morose people. Alas you are so young, when you hit thirty you will know the true nature of loathing. We will have to have a party and celebrate the carpiness of being born in between Jeebus and the new year.