Not doing so hot.
3 months ago I broke my collar bone. Didn't bother to tell the doctor I am a recovering drug addict/alcoholic. Eventually I took a handful of Vicodin and I'm off & running. All through recovery I've had this idea (which I have tried out before, btw) that if I just smoke pot I'll manage alright. Doesn't get me into serious trouble like other drugs you know...
But it does. I'm a wreck & back to that place where life looks no good with or without drugs. I don't want to be sober and I don't want to be high. I'm wracked with guilt and thinking of doing myself in. a lot. I do know (like somewhere in the back of my mind) that life is good for me as long as I am active in recovery & doing what I need to do, but it's like a stranger trying to convince me of that right now. It seems almost comical for me to be all fucking screwed up in the head because of pot, but it is what it is. Guilt, paranoia, shame... I've actually been unable to eat much the last few days & I'm feeling nauseous, weak and jittery all the time. Most of that is from just being so down on myself I guess. I don't think pot is supposed to reduce appetite and cause nausea. Every other time I've tried to smoke pot again it has gone just fine but I'd eventually drink or pick up some hard drugs & then the shit would hit the fan. This time it's pretty different, I just feel disgusted in general. I don't want anything stronger, I don't even want to be high at all and I don't particularly want to be sober either.
One thing I do know is that right this minute I'm not done with life yet. I told someone close my situation right now and I'm feeling relieved having made a decision.
This is actually the second time I've had 6 years, 11 months and twenty some days sober and decided to chuck it out the window. Last time I didn't try to quit for a few years, then it took a long time, a lot of struggle, a couple rehabs and a lot of worry and suffering to the family before I finally get clean again. I seriously doubt I could handle that sort of roller coaster again, I need to get back into recovery quickly and completely. I know what to do from here, let's hope I do it. I'll keep you updated.
I'm sure those of you who know me much already know this, but in the case of someone unfamiliar - I REALLY don't care at all about what drugs anyone else does, I just can't, that's all.
3 months ago I broke my collar bone. Didn't bother to tell the doctor I am a recovering drug addict/alcoholic. Eventually I took a handful of Vicodin and I'm off & running. All through recovery I've had this idea (which I have tried out before, btw) that if I just smoke pot I'll manage alright. Doesn't get me into serious trouble like other drugs you know...
But it does. I'm a wreck & back to that place where life looks no good with or without drugs. I don't want to be sober and I don't want to be high. I'm wracked with guilt and thinking of doing myself in. a lot. I do know (like somewhere in the back of my mind) that life is good for me as long as I am active in recovery & doing what I need to do, but it's like a stranger trying to convince me of that right now. It seems almost comical for me to be all fucking screwed up in the head because of pot, but it is what it is. Guilt, paranoia, shame... I've actually been unable to eat much the last few days & I'm feeling nauseous, weak and jittery all the time. Most of that is from just being so down on myself I guess. I don't think pot is supposed to reduce appetite and cause nausea. Every other time I've tried to smoke pot again it has gone just fine but I'd eventually drink or pick up some hard drugs & then the shit would hit the fan. This time it's pretty different, I just feel disgusted in general. I don't want anything stronger, I don't even want to be high at all and I don't particularly want to be sober either.
One thing I do know is that right this minute I'm not done with life yet. I told someone close my situation right now and I'm feeling relieved having made a decision.
This is actually the second time I've had 6 years, 11 months and twenty some days sober and decided to chuck it out the window. Last time I didn't try to quit for a few years, then it took a long time, a lot of struggle, a couple rehabs and a lot of worry and suffering to the family before I finally get clean again. I seriously doubt I could handle that sort of roller coaster again, I need to get back into recovery quickly and completely. I know what to do from here, let's hope I do it. I'll keep you updated.
I'm sure those of you who know me much already know this, but in the case of someone unfamiliar - I REALLY don't care at all about what drugs anyone else does, I just can't, that's all.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
samling:
you can re-build. you can make this work.
guitargeek:
Just remember what I told you.