I destroy things. I can't help it and I never want to when I do it, it just happens. Afterwards I am always so sad that I've destroyed something, but it's just like, something possesses me and takes over.
I am not made of stone. It seems as though I am sometimes, but in reality I am scared and shaking naked in the dark. Whatever I say or do is usually the opposite of what I want. I just feel like I need to do certain things sometimes, and after I do them I am sadder than before.
I wish I could post what is going on in my head right now, but I'm scared that it would look like a cry for help and attention, and I hate that. Crazy shit. If there ever was a time to go, now would be it, and I'll leave it at that.
I must look like a seriously crazy bitch. And I guess I am, but I hate it. If I could help it, I would but obviously I can't. I'm embarrassed and ashamed for things that I can't help, like the way my face looks. There, I said it. If I didn't have to go to work I would never leave my bed, ever, and I'd be happy. Just in my room, with my music, and my tv, all alone, nobody to look at me or pass judgement on me. No guilt trips. Maybe I need a friend that can identify with me, and we could help each other. I like to help other people, and I'd like to help myself but I don't have the tools. I try and try to be a good person and do good things and be kind to people but things just keep coming at me trying to kill me.
I shouldnt click submit. I dont want anyone to know this, I dont want to put these thoughts out into the world. I guess I'm doing it for anybody that needs an explanation. Just remember that I can't help it, and it's not what I want, it's what I feel like I have to do. And although the reasons may seem wierd or stupid, they make sense to me at the time. Afterwards is another story. That is the time when I look at the ruins of the things I had.
I need somebody to make me happy, whatever that takes. Just a hug maybe? And some kind words. No scolding, no guilt, no anger or frustration. Just someone to talk honestly with without feeling like Im asking for sympathy. That is all.
I am not made of stone. It seems as though I am sometimes, but in reality I am scared and shaking naked in the dark. Whatever I say or do is usually the opposite of what I want. I just feel like I need to do certain things sometimes, and after I do them I am sadder than before.
I wish I could post what is going on in my head right now, but I'm scared that it would look like a cry for help and attention, and I hate that. Crazy shit. If there ever was a time to go, now would be it, and I'll leave it at that.
I must look like a seriously crazy bitch. And I guess I am, but I hate it. If I could help it, I would but obviously I can't. I'm embarrassed and ashamed for things that I can't help, like the way my face looks. There, I said it. If I didn't have to go to work I would never leave my bed, ever, and I'd be happy. Just in my room, with my music, and my tv, all alone, nobody to look at me or pass judgement on me. No guilt trips. Maybe I need a friend that can identify with me, and we could help each other. I like to help other people, and I'd like to help myself but I don't have the tools. I try and try to be a good person and do good things and be kind to people but things just keep coming at me trying to kill me.
I shouldnt click submit. I dont want anyone to know this, I dont want to put these thoughts out into the world. I guess I'm doing it for anybody that needs an explanation. Just remember that I can't help it, and it's not what I want, it's what I feel like I have to do. And although the reasons may seem wierd or stupid, they make sense to me at the time. Afterwards is another story. That is the time when I look at the ruins of the things I had.
I need somebody to make me happy, whatever that takes. Just a hug maybe? And some kind words. No scolding, no guilt, no anger or frustration. Just someone to talk honestly with without feeling like Im asking for sympathy. That is all.
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i'm still here and such, feel free to not feel bad.