walker

Feeling a bit better today, but there have been a few times I started to not feel right. I got an appointment set for next week to go see someone.
Never mind. I now feel worse than I did. Some of my friends came over to check on me. Well my best friend and his girlfriend told us they are getting married. My best friend and I end up in another part of the house just talking about this and I say I need to go to the bathroom. Well on my way back out I heard his girlfriend ask him if he told me. What it is she wanted him to say is that even thought he wants me to be the best man I cant be. She things I am cool and funny and all, but she doesnt want her wedding pictures messed up because of some fat ass in her photos. Im done, Im just fucking done. Weve been friends for 15 years and he said nothing. I thought I had given up this weekend but now I know I really have.
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July 4th:

I am not me any more. The last little bit of self-esteem and self-confidence I had left is gone. For the last two weeks when I friends have called to go do something I havent been able to go. I want to go, but I cant. Something is keeping me from feeling like I can go. I feel like Im not good enough to be around other people. I feel like the lowest form of life on earth. I first broke down on Saturday when I was supposed to go to a fiends birthday dinner. And the major break down was tonight. Tonight after I had set off some of my fireworks, I just stopped and walked away. I went off and just sat on the lawn. My mom came over after a bit and just looked at me and knew something was wrong, Having your mom ask if you fell like killing your self and if you need to go the hospital is not something you want to hear. I wish I knew what was wrong with me.

Sorry for the lack of paragraphs.