so here goes. for once I"m actually going to use this as a journal, rather than a bulletin board to post funny things I think.
hmm...where to start. Well I'm slicing up my skin again. Happened last night, after this pseudo date i had with my former tango teacher, who, if you haven't been keeping up with the drama, seems interested, but incapable of being tactful about it. I mean, its not that this guy is super amazing, but I've been in NY for 9 weeks now, somewhat alone, and now looking for company where I don't have to put up a front. And with things being set up the way they are, creating that through a sexual/romantic relationship is more likely to bring me the social intimiacy I'm looking for. I know what some of you are thinking. That I'm just using my body to get the real intimacy I'm looking for. Well that may be true. I'm not having hot sexual fantasies about this guy, and if he and I were settled on just being friends, I'd be happy, but the point is that the type of intimacy I'm looking for takes much longer to create without the sexual bit. For him, i know that physical contact would entail notions of my trust and affection towards him, which would facilitate this kindof intimacy I'm looking for in general. Plus, I mean, he's tall and a lot older than me, so if it really comes to it, I'm sure the sex will be fine.
But the issue isn't so much him anymore. The reason why this guy was chosen was because he and I have had moments that make me think he'd be able to deal with me without the front. Its not that my self-esteem is shot, I just know that there are some substantial differentiating attributes I have, which most people don't deal with. I mean, I don't watch tv, dislike people who do, or who engage in most mainstream media thinking (tv, news, fashion, etc.) I dislike general notions of attractiveness, and though I recognize my own sense of vanity, I do not think in any way that I or others earn their physical appearance. Sure, there is some detailing, but I do not find any necessarily correlaction between those who i find physically attractive, and people I like romantically or otherwise. The same goes the other way. If someone gives me too much or too little credit based on how I look (whether it be my features, or fashion taste) I feel uncomfortable, because 1. i may not necessarily share the same convictions over how attractive i am and 2. stating someone's attractiveness as a means of appeasement means that this person also believes that physical attractiveness is important to them, and do not necessarily share the same sentiment I do about who a person is (represented by what a person does, says, or how they carry themselves) versus what a person looks like (arbitrarily given genetic dispotion, which if anything, may show how much a person cares about their and others' physical attraction.)
There are other beliefs I hold which keep me repelled by most new yorkers (well, people in general), but the point is that amongst all my standards on a person's ability to think for themselves, maintain a personal philosophy based primarily on reason and on individual happiness (instead of imposed or collective happiness), general intelligence level, emotional development/awareness of one's own problems, and ambition.........the point is that this guy seems to pass some of them, or I'm hoping he will. Deep down inside, i know that he probably won't pass all these standards, but I'm hoping that he will be tactful not to reveal weaknesses towards certain bad habits (in general, not thinking enough and/or letting other entities [mass media, hierarchal group of friends] think for you.)
Well the problem is that more and more, this guy is revealing these aspects I hate about people and not onyl is he losing whatever opportunity he had to get closer to me, but his failure is leaving me with increased feelings of alienation. In general I have never been capable of keeping a large group of friends for a prolonged time (the front just gives up), but my saviors have always come in ones or twos, either as best friends, or boyfriends, and other partners of crime. Without this small connection to other human beings I feel like I'm totally out on my own.
Now, the advice I usually get from here is either 1. lighten up and stop thinking so much, people need to get by, and who are you to judge them, at least they're getting by without cutting, or being mellow dramatic and 2. maybe your convictions on who people are and how they get by is wrong, or at least needs another opinion. Well, I consider these arguments with a surprising amount of respect, but I do have to refute them.
On the subject of counter argument 1: We all have certain abilities to put aside different needs. Many people forgo their spiritual/truth seeking needs for the sake of having friends. Many people forgo familial responsibilities for the sake of having romantic relationships. We all have needs, whether they be personal, familial, romatic, spiritual or friendship related. I mean, you can look up Maslow's pyramid of needs for a listing of all the needs I think a person needs to get by. Well the point is that each of these needs aren't equally weighted, and each person prioritizes each need differently based on who they are (which is both voluntary and involuntary.) Believe me, its not that I'm incapable of communicating to people, or making friends. I've had opportunities in this town to go out and be a regular 19-year-old college student, and interact with normal people. The point is that the things people do with each other, and the ways people interact with each other for the most part is so violating to my independently thought out values and priorities, that it does more damage to my independent needs, than it fulfills my social needs. There's really no image more repulsive to me than going out with some girls, getting drunk (trying to put my better mind on the back burner) and talking about men, clothing, how much classes/life sucks (i.e isn't easy.) There are lots of microarguments I could make to clarify, but I"m sure you get my drift if you're still reading. The point is that i give my ability to uphold my personal beliefs a lot of weight, and violating that for the sake of personal relations does more damage than good at the end of the day.
On the subject of counterargument 2:
Could I be wrong? Yes, I very well could be. But at this point, tearing down the few convictions I have that hold me up will also do more damage that good. The conclusions I've come to about what I think is beneficial for me and others to do have taken a lot of hours in thought to come to. This isn't to say that I dont' want to hear people's opposing thoughts, but generally if I meet someone who lives in contrast to the standards I have, I rarely find good arguments for why they waste their time watching tv, or following crowds. Generally, people are not aware of why they do these things, or come up with argumetns like cause I didn't want to think, or cause I was tired/bored/depressed. These arguments work down to emotional needs, which is exactly the level I wish people would question. Now the other side of the "why don't you consider other opinions and/or consider the fact that you're wrong" argument, also bears some shades of cowardice in it. Many readers of eastern philosophy would remark with some "you don't know what you know," catch phrase. Well, believe me, I can follow that argument, but if you're going the spiritual/reason-free argument way, you've got to uphold it or its useless. I mean, its really a dangerous argument unless you use it the right way. Sure, I could abandon all I think is right, and retreat of the middle path, join a meditation group and go on a retreat, but commiting to that way of thinking is a serious committment, and one that many use as an emotional trap door to cowdown from their better thinking. Its not that following the spiritual path would be wrong, its just one I am not strong enough to commit to, because I would just exploit that philosophy to fix the emotional problems in my life.
hmmm......ok, well I got a lot off my chest there. Well ok, I'll put this out there, but know that I just sat down and wrote this. I don't plan to spell check it or edit it, so be kind to my argumentation. I know, not guess, but know, that I've gone on a lot of tangents, but if you're still with me (the few that are), then I'm sure you're willing enough to give me some leniency.
ok........so then, what shoudl I do. Stick with this guy and dillude myself into thinking he's ok for the next three weeks. Should I still be open minded and less scrutinizing to other people on the off chance that I"ll meet someone (boy or girl) who will be up to my standards, or at least someone who's interesting. Am I being a big snob, or do you think that my loathing others and increased feelings of isolation are justified for all the reasons I've come up with?
ok, tell me something about my life, cause I'm done.
me -
hmm...where to start. Well I'm slicing up my skin again. Happened last night, after this pseudo date i had with my former tango teacher, who, if you haven't been keeping up with the drama, seems interested, but incapable of being tactful about it. I mean, its not that this guy is super amazing, but I've been in NY for 9 weeks now, somewhat alone, and now looking for company where I don't have to put up a front. And with things being set up the way they are, creating that through a sexual/romantic relationship is more likely to bring me the social intimiacy I'm looking for. I know what some of you are thinking. That I'm just using my body to get the real intimacy I'm looking for. Well that may be true. I'm not having hot sexual fantasies about this guy, and if he and I were settled on just being friends, I'd be happy, but the point is that the type of intimacy I'm looking for takes much longer to create without the sexual bit. For him, i know that physical contact would entail notions of my trust and affection towards him, which would facilitate this kindof intimacy I'm looking for in general. Plus, I mean, he's tall and a lot older than me, so if it really comes to it, I'm sure the sex will be fine.
But the issue isn't so much him anymore. The reason why this guy was chosen was because he and I have had moments that make me think he'd be able to deal with me without the front. Its not that my self-esteem is shot, I just know that there are some substantial differentiating attributes I have, which most people don't deal with. I mean, I don't watch tv, dislike people who do, or who engage in most mainstream media thinking (tv, news, fashion, etc.) I dislike general notions of attractiveness, and though I recognize my own sense of vanity, I do not think in any way that I or others earn their physical appearance. Sure, there is some detailing, but I do not find any necessarily correlaction between those who i find physically attractive, and people I like romantically or otherwise. The same goes the other way. If someone gives me too much or too little credit based on how I look (whether it be my features, or fashion taste) I feel uncomfortable, because 1. i may not necessarily share the same convictions over how attractive i am and 2. stating someone's attractiveness as a means of appeasement means that this person also believes that physical attractiveness is important to them, and do not necessarily share the same sentiment I do about who a person is (represented by what a person does, says, or how they carry themselves) versus what a person looks like (arbitrarily given genetic dispotion, which if anything, may show how much a person cares about their and others' physical attraction.)
There are other beliefs I hold which keep me repelled by most new yorkers (well, people in general), but the point is that amongst all my standards on a person's ability to think for themselves, maintain a personal philosophy based primarily on reason and on individual happiness (instead of imposed or collective happiness), general intelligence level, emotional development/awareness of one's own problems, and ambition.........the point is that this guy seems to pass some of them, or I'm hoping he will. Deep down inside, i know that he probably won't pass all these standards, but I'm hoping that he will be tactful not to reveal weaknesses towards certain bad habits (in general, not thinking enough and/or letting other entities [mass media, hierarchal group of friends] think for you.)
Well the problem is that more and more, this guy is revealing these aspects I hate about people and not onyl is he losing whatever opportunity he had to get closer to me, but his failure is leaving me with increased feelings of alienation. In general I have never been capable of keeping a large group of friends for a prolonged time (the front just gives up), but my saviors have always come in ones or twos, either as best friends, or boyfriends, and other partners of crime. Without this small connection to other human beings I feel like I'm totally out on my own.
Now, the advice I usually get from here is either 1. lighten up and stop thinking so much, people need to get by, and who are you to judge them, at least they're getting by without cutting, or being mellow dramatic and 2. maybe your convictions on who people are and how they get by is wrong, or at least needs another opinion. Well, I consider these arguments with a surprising amount of respect, but I do have to refute them.
On the subject of counter argument 1: We all have certain abilities to put aside different needs. Many people forgo their spiritual/truth seeking needs for the sake of having friends. Many people forgo familial responsibilities for the sake of having romantic relationships. We all have needs, whether they be personal, familial, romatic, spiritual or friendship related. I mean, you can look up Maslow's pyramid of needs for a listing of all the needs I think a person needs to get by. Well the point is that each of these needs aren't equally weighted, and each person prioritizes each need differently based on who they are (which is both voluntary and involuntary.) Believe me, its not that I'm incapable of communicating to people, or making friends. I've had opportunities in this town to go out and be a regular 19-year-old college student, and interact with normal people. The point is that the things people do with each other, and the ways people interact with each other for the most part is so violating to my independently thought out values and priorities, that it does more damage to my independent needs, than it fulfills my social needs. There's really no image more repulsive to me than going out with some girls, getting drunk (trying to put my better mind on the back burner) and talking about men, clothing, how much classes/life sucks (i.e isn't easy.) There are lots of microarguments I could make to clarify, but I"m sure you get my drift if you're still reading. The point is that i give my ability to uphold my personal beliefs a lot of weight, and violating that for the sake of personal relations does more damage than good at the end of the day.
On the subject of counterargument 2:
Could I be wrong? Yes, I very well could be. But at this point, tearing down the few convictions I have that hold me up will also do more damage that good. The conclusions I've come to about what I think is beneficial for me and others to do have taken a lot of hours in thought to come to. This isn't to say that I dont' want to hear people's opposing thoughts, but generally if I meet someone who lives in contrast to the standards I have, I rarely find good arguments for why they waste their time watching tv, or following crowds. Generally, people are not aware of why they do these things, or come up with argumetns like cause I didn't want to think, or cause I was tired/bored/depressed. These arguments work down to emotional needs, which is exactly the level I wish people would question. Now the other side of the "why don't you consider other opinions and/or consider the fact that you're wrong" argument, also bears some shades of cowardice in it. Many readers of eastern philosophy would remark with some "you don't know what you know," catch phrase. Well, believe me, I can follow that argument, but if you're going the spiritual/reason-free argument way, you've got to uphold it or its useless. I mean, its really a dangerous argument unless you use it the right way. Sure, I could abandon all I think is right, and retreat of the middle path, join a meditation group and go on a retreat, but commiting to that way of thinking is a serious committment, and one that many use as an emotional trap door to cowdown from their better thinking. Its not that following the spiritual path would be wrong, its just one I am not strong enough to commit to, because I would just exploit that philosophy to fix the emotional problems in my life.
hmmm......ok, well I got a lot off my chest there. Well ok, I'll put this out there, but know that I just sat down and wrote this. I don't plan to spell check it or edit it, so be kind to my argumentation. I know, not guess, but know, that I've gone on a lot of tangents, but if you're still with me (the few that are), then I'm sure you're willing enough to give me some leniency.
ok........so then, what shoudl I do. Stick with this guy and dillude myself into thinking he's ok for the next three weeks. Should I still be open minded and less scrutinizing to other people on the off chance that I"ll meet someone (boy or girl) who will be up to my standards, or at least someone who's interesting. Am I being a big snob, or do you think that my loathing others and increased feelings of isolation are justified for all the reasons I've come up with?
ok, tell me something about my life, cause I'm done.
me -
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
in all seriousness, the cutting thing has to stop. i say this because i care ( i know it sounds corny 'cause i only know u from this sight ). we all go numb in life and we handle it in many different ways to make us feel something again. i had a friend who cut. she said the reason y was because she didnt feel life anymore. so i am asking please dont cut yourself anymore.
u seem to have some smarts 'bout u. u analyse and form your own opinions and speak your truths, dont change that!!.stick with whatu believe!.
i have a poem i wrote a long time ago that i think u might like. it goes like this...
when you were young
a warrior you stood strong
standing on solid ground
as years passed a shaman you became
searching..for the answers
dreams not yet realized
you need both..the warrior and shaman
to become your own chieftain
dont sacrafice your beliefs for anyone. do what u think is right and put enough trust in the decisions u make!!
no matter what some one says its u.. who u have to face each and everyday.
just my two cents
Anyway, being lonely is hard to deal with sometimes. Usually you get temporary relief. Someone interesting to talk to. Or just doing something nice for a stranger and getting a smile or "Thank you!" Unless you're in Antarctica, you're never really alone. Definately not in NYC. Just stay happy!
I probably went way off from what you were talking about. I hope it made some sense though.
Take care!