vitamin_q

hughughughug

lots and lots of love.

Thanks for the sweet comment on my new set!

well you're closer to me? *trying to look on the bright side*

you have them..
hughughughughug

awww... thank you

hughughug

come to florida and i will spice up your life!!!! LOL (i just sang spice girls in my head as i typed that!! and i liked it!!!)

ps have i told you how sexy you are to me??!!!

awww, i miss you!!!

babe!!! I am so sorry things are so heavy for you. I know how it feels to watch loved ones with cancer. My mom beat it but my grandmother was not so lucky. I know you have people you can talk to but sometimes it is easier to talk to strangers you dont have to look in the face. You are in my thoughts. My number is in your inbox if you ever need/want to use it.

ok, for all who ever read these things on me, this past year and a half have been a total hell for me....here's the timeline

August 2009: While still in Iraq, I received orders to go to recruiters school in San Diego for that following March. Being a Marine, I follow orders regardless of what they are. Wasn't happy at all about it, but tried to face this in a positive matter.

Oct. 2009: While home on leave, I asked the command of the recruiting station in Kansas City, MO about my orders to become a recruiter and told them of my credentials of my ties to Kansas City and the Sedalia area. No response back

March-April 2010: Go through Recruiters School. Had fun, made friends, learned a ton for recruiting. and finished the curriculum with ease. But in the middle of school, I find out that I wont be recruiting in KC, but in Connecticut, I was ashamed, but tried to look at it in a good way. At the same time, we receive a letter from our command welcoming us. One quote from the letter stood out. "This duty is and will be harder than combat." I laughed and scoffed at that.

April 21, 2010: After a day of group competition at the school house I get a phone call in the middle of the day from home which is odd because they normally don't. It was mom. She wanted to tell me herself that she had a biopsy done and has stage 4 lung cancer. Doctors said she had maybe a year left. I'm crushed and devastated. I now know I have to go through this tough job, away from mom, for 3 years. However, I suck it up and deal with it. Because that's what Marines do.

April 25th: Graduated from recruiters school and go on leave for 30 days. I rush home immediately to be with mom. She still looks the same that I've always seen of her. She's around 5'10" and carries arounfd 170-180 lbs. She already started chemo and radiation treatment

June-mid December: I make through my first few months of recruiting ok average so-to-speak. Ive never worked so hard to produce such little results. Mingling with civilians slowly started take over me. the hours have put a lot of stress on me while thinking about mom. My command grants me leave to go see mom for X-mas

December 18th-Dec. 30th, 2010: I go home on leave. I saw mom for the first time and was almost horrified. She was about 130. Still had her hair but had a skin-and-bone look to her. She still was able to walk around well. At the same time. My grandfather (Mom's dad), a Navy vet and a huge influence on me joining the military, passed away just hours before I landed in KC. I did the eulogy at his funeral. While me and mom were talking about Grandpa, an emotional time for me, I can't remember what brought it up but she says, "Yeah Mark, I'm gonna miss you and Charlie (brother) too".....instant red flag rose. I didn't ask her about why she said it. But that was my inclination that her time was coming.

Jan-Mar. 2011: Mom was heavy on my mind a lot. Recruiting in January went very well but my numbers were on a bit of a decline (appointments, interviews, contracts, recruiter jargon) we had a weigh-in and i found out I was nearly 30 lbs overweight. The hours I put in can lead to no exercise, what can I say. As a recruiter, you are a symbol of pride and freedom to many communities, especially when wearing the uniform, for me, I have to almost put on a mask. Mom was still losing weight, cancer spread to the lymph nodes. Depression was heavy on me. I start to have thoughts that weren't suicidal but they were more on the lines of "what if I never existed" I tell my command when they visited my station. I wept. I had to let it out. I told them I'm not the same person I was. So they set me up with a chaplain.

April 2011: I went to the chaplain and I told her my story of what happened. An emotional time it was. She was a nice lady and offered spiritual advice. But the depression was still growing. My numbers become unsatisfactory and I am labeled as a "sub-par" performer. So in other words, I'm fat and cant do my job.

May 2011: The depression was still heavy. I also started to experience suicidal thoughts. I drive by a pawn shop and all I could think about was buying a gun to kill myself with. Or how I could get to the top of my apartment and jump off head first, getting hit by a car, etc. But I was scared to tell anyone. I started seeing a psychologist, an older man in Shelton, CT. I immediately didn't like him. Wasn't very personable, talked to much, he was talking to me like a sales man almost it seemed. Depression and suicide are still on my mind heavily. I get calls from friends about how Mom looks terrible. She recently went to the hospital for severe pain in her back. They inject a puck-sized device that she could inject morphine when she needed to. I tell my command that I need to go home and see her. They grant me leave for the 18th to and come back on the 31st memorial day and parents 31st wedding anniversary.

While home, the suicide, the depression went away. Yet it was still there. I saw mom and I was terrified. Some of her hair was out, down to 105, almost Holocaust-like. Very frail looking. I spent the entire time with her and family. Had fun. The last night together, me and her stayed up all night. I told her that I didn't want her to go from me. She cried. I cried. She asked me if I am suicidal, I lied and said no. As I leave for the airport to go back to CT, the depression and suicide thoughts came back and came back fast! The next day at work, while conducting morning brief as usual, I broke down in the office. My boss told what's wrong. I knew I had to tell someone of the suicide. I did. I immediately go to a hospital and was admitted to mental ward for psychiatric care. Being a corrections officer in the Marines. I found myself being on the other side.

So, I'm fat, cant do my job correctly, moms dying from cancer, and suicidal......rock bottom? Who knows. I was at the hospital for 3 days and was discharged, saying that group therapy was not for me and needed one-on-one instead. I am currently seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist.

I, right now, cant take this job anymore. I have given my life to the Corps for 8 years, I thought I could do the full 20, but the Corps does not need someone in my condition. This area of America has now been forever tainted of bad memories and of my suffering. I do not believe I can take anymore of this. I have never had suicidal thoughts ever in my life until now. I believe recruiting has "civilianized" me to where I wont be an asset anymore to the Marine Corps. I don't want to be a weight to my recruiting command. They don't deserve it. They have a more important mission to do. I need to be home with mom so she can have her whole family there for her when she dies. I need a change and I need it now!

Thank you for those who took the time to read this and God bless