You know you reach a new low point when you look at your past and envy it, sordid as it was.
I've taken to sleeping during the day when I don't work. Its not that I have this "fuck all" attitude about work, I just...can't get up. I don't understand why, but then again, how much of my life actually makes enough sense to understand? I mean, I've spent the past few days working and/or packing, and I'm so sick of my lack of a social life that I just draw myself further in. Funny how that works.
I've had two dates in the past 4 years, and both of them have happened this summer.
I already know what you're thinking when you read the above paragraph: Why doesn't he work to change it? I don't know, honestly. I'm sick of the entropy in my life that manages to exist despite its lack of activity. Its practically an amazing thing when something new happens, and I believe it scares me to some extent. Lucky me.
France scares me.
I'm more afraid of meeting new people than speaking the language (though the two are quite close). I'm afraid of meeting someone and getting into them only to find out they have AIDS (yay for Paris being the AIDs capital of Europe), or that I have to leave all too soon. Sure, I could use the action. This next part is realism, not self pity. I don't believe anything of that sort will happen. I don't have the self-confidence, or the physical attractiveness to snare me anyone. All I've got is my wit and cynical humor. Such attractive qualities they are.
The past:
How beautifully mellodramatic I was, and looking back on it shows I was probably happy then. I mean, I wasn't, but I was happier than I am now. Its kind of odd, but I've already begun dreading my birthdays because I don't know what to look forward to anymore. I'm trapped in myself, and I hate it. I can't find the goddamn key. Everyone around me seems to be happy and holding fucking hands with someone. It makes me sick, because I yearn for that. I yearn for those days back when I had someone's hand to hold. Back before I fucked up people. Back before people did the same to me.
I fucking hate my own bitterness, but its the sweetest fruit I've tasted all year.
I've taken to sleeping during the day when I don't work. Its not that I have this "fuck all" attitude about work, I just...can't get up. I don't understand why, but then again, how much of my life actually makes enough sense to understand? I mean, I've spent the past few days working and/or packing, and I'm so sick of my lack of a social life that I just draw myself further in. Funny how that works.
I've had two dates in the past 4 years, and both of them have happened this summer.
I already know what you're thinking when you read the above paragraph: Why doesn't he work to change it? I don't know, honestly. I'm sick of the entropy in my life that manages to exist despite its lack of activity. Its practically an amazing thing when something new happens, and I believe it scares me to some extent. Lucky me.
France scares me.
I'm more afraid of meeting new people than speaking the language (though the two are quite close). I'm afraid of meeting someone and getting into them only to find out they have AIDS (yay for Paris being the AIDs capital of Europe), or that I have to leave all too soon. Sure, I could use the action. This next part is realism, not self pity. I don't believe anything of that sort will happen. I don't have the self-confidence, or the physical attractiveness to snare me anyone. All I've got is my wit and cynical humor. Such attractive qualities they are.
The past:
How beautifully mellodramatic I was, and looking back on it shows I was probably happy then. I mean, I wasn't, but I was happier than I am now. Its kind of odd, but I've already begun dreading my birthdays because I don't know what to look forward to anymore. I'm trapped in myself, and I hate it. I can't find the goddamn key. Everyone around me seems to be happy and holding fucking hands with someone. It makes me sick, because I yearn for that. I yearn for those days back when I had someone's hand to hold. Back before I fucked up people. Back before people did the same to me.
I fucking hate my own bitterness, but its the sweetest fruit I've tasted all year.
Are you still gonna be on SG while your there???