This has been a hard three months for me. Adjusting to birth control hormones and dealing with a ffriends with benefits situation that went awry, having my brand new car get in an accident on my birthday, getting sick, being broke, etc. Things are just now starting to look up. I'm starting to not give a fuck anymore. I had to Stop worrying about bills, stop worrying about the businesses, stop worrying about him. And because I have stopped worrying, things are definitely getting better. All this worrying has made me unproductive and miserable and selfish. Life is too short to be an over emotional monster all the time, and I have been just that.
I met someone today in a random encounter that reminded me how crazy I have been. For the five minutes that I interacted with this person they grounded me. They made me remember who I was. I became my best, most confident self. It was a reminder to me that being upset about petty bullshit with people who don't mean anything is the stupidest way I ever decided to exist.
This random encounter I had with this person, was one of the most endearing, romantic, sweet, amazing moments I have had in so long, that I can't even remember why I have been so sad about this other situation. He was sopping wet in the rain, and dancing around saying that he loved the rain, loved portland, that he loved my confidence... and we flirted, and he was beautiful, and he was the most attractive man I have seen since I have been in Portland. Amazingly hot. but there was jsut something wonderful about his personality and his looks complimented that. It made me remember that there can be other people in this world that are better for me than the one I have been chasing. Even if I never see this person again, he gave me that peace of mind, that has brought me-- back to me.
You can't change people, you can't make them see the best in you, You have to have standards, you have to believe in yourself and love yourself, and not settle for mr. right now just because you need fornication as a replacement for the real thing... and just because he sort of fits the mold for the moment, doesn't mean he will ever be good for you.
I thought I could seperate the two. I thought I could have sex with someone and be emotionally unavailable and use them, and be friends and everything would be cool. But it didn't work. I got attached. I can't believe it happened because I didn't even like him at first. But y'know, I really wanted to like someone, so I think that I purposefully had sex with them just because I was bored with not having a crush on anyone. It started to become fun, and then it became not fun because of how I started to feel. I wanted more, he refused to give me more. So I was left broken, crying, and being sad that no one will give me what I want. pathetic really.
And it wasn't because he was this great wonderful person. He has amazing qualities that I will always love. But he is not great, because he doesn't know how he hurts people. I got attached chemically. The chemicals were so strong, it made me feel crazy. So fucking crazy. Lots of crying and being scared of being hurt, and trying to hurt him cause I coudln't deal with my own head, and him being crazy to me. It was the most fun I have ever had in a dysfunctional relationship.
And that is when i realized that every fucking relationship I have had since I was 15 was with the same fucking person. With a different name, and different experiences, different levels of crazy, but the same fucking person, the same fucking asshole: A young, emotionally unavailable, asshole, who doesn't want to give me anything that I deserve.
Is that their fault? NO. It's mine. I have created this mess. I did it all through sex. If I just would have waited than maybe I would have seen who they a person really is, instead of looking at them with sex colored glasses..and being attracted to basically everying and whatever is bad for me. I am an emotional masochist. I love to be in pain about love.
My vow to myself? No more. Never again. I am not going to do this to myself again. 3 months before the intimacy happens. They have to be worthy, and they have to be good for me. period.
I am writing this as a reminder, to read to myself every day.
I met someone today in a random encounter that reminded me how crazy I have been. For the five minutes that I interacted with this person they grounded me. They made me remember who I was. I became my best, most confident self. It was a reminder to me that being upset about petty bullshit with people who don't mean anything is the stupidest way I ever decided to exist.
This random encounter I had with this person, was one of the most endearing, romantic, sweet, amazing moments I have had in so long, that I can't even remember why I have been so sad about this other situation. He was sopping wet in the rain, and dancing around saying that he loved the rain, loved portland, that he loved my confidence... and we flirted, and he was beautiful, and he was the most attractive man I have seen since I have been in Portland. Amazingly hot. but there was jsut something wonderful about his personality and his looks complimented that. It made me remember that there can be other people in this world that are better for me than the one I have been chasing. Even if I never see this person again, he gave me that peace of mind, that has brought me-- back to me.
You can't change people, you can't make them see the best in you, You have to have standards, you have to believe in yourself and love yourself, and not settle for mr. right now just because you need fornication as a replacement for the real thing... and just because he sort of fits the mold for the moment, doesn't mean he will ever be good for you.
I thought I could seperate the two. I thought I could have sex with someone and be emotionally unavailable and use them, and be friends and everything would be cool. But it didn't work. I got attached. I can't believe it happened because I didn't even like him at first. But y'know, I really wanted to like someone, so I think that I purposefully had sex with them just because I was bored with not having a crush on anyone. It started to become fun, and then it became not fun because of how I started to feel. I wanted more, he refused to give me more. So I was left broken, crying, and being sad that no one will give me what I want. pathetic really.
And it wasn't because he was this great wonderful person. He has amazing qualities that I will always love. But he is not great, because he doesn't know how he hurts people. I got attached chemically. The chemicals were so strong, it made me feel crazy. So fucking crazy. Lots of crying and being scared of being hurt, and trying to hurt him cause I coudln't deal with my own head, and him being crazy to me. It was the most fun I have ever had in a dysfunctional relationship.
And that is when i realized that every fucking relationship I have had since I was 15 was with the same fucking person. With a different name, and different experiences, different levels of crazy, but the same fucking person, the same fucking asshole: A young, emotionally unavailable, asshole, who doesn't want to give me anything that I deserve.
Is that their fault? NO. It's mine. I have created this mess. I did it all through sex. If I just would have waited than maybe I would have seen who they a person really is, instead of looking at them with sex colored glasses..and being attracted to basically everying and whatever is bad for me. I am an emotional masochist. I love to be in pain about love.
My vow to myself? No more. Never again. I am not going to do this to myself again. 3 months before the intimacy happens. They have to be worthy, and they have to be good for me. period.
I am writing this as a reminder, to read to myself every day.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
section8:
what did you need sweetie
copper_crescendo:
Brilliant entry. 'I love to be in pain about love' is a very astute observation that I am certainly familiar with; here's to recognizing our desire to hurt ourselves for what it is - unnecessary and overrated.