violently

Today I call Nick and verify that we are having dinner tomorrow. I am scared as fuck. I shouldn't let a guy do this to me, and turn me into what I've become lately...a fucking retarded girl...but I can't help it. I love the motherfucker and I'm just sitting here waiting to see what happens. It's making me sick. I hate being this pathetic. I don't know what happened to me.

Actually I do. I let him in. I got attached. I fell in love. Everything I haven't done since Matt and never planned on doing again. I gotta dig myself out of that hole because it's killing me. I'm not supposed to be this attached to anyone. I'm not supposed to be THIS whooped over someone. I'm not supposed to cry everyday because I'm in love. FUCK LOVE. I DEFY LOVE. That was who I am and that is who I want to be again. I don't NEED anyone.

Although it is so fucking nice to wake up in the arms of someone and look over and have them smile at you and reach for you and make love and then spend the day doing idiotic shit like carving pumpkins and watching bad eighties movies.

If Nick and I do work things out, fuck, even if we don't, shit has to change. I have to get back out with my girl friends. I'll have to be strong and not drink so much. I'll have to make myself not so available because no one can be my number one priority all the time. Except for me, as selfish as that sounds.

But I can't help hoping we work things out. Wish me luck. I really love his stupid ass.