violently

can't eat, can't keep anything down. i'm losing weight like you wouldn't believe. he has no idea what he is putting me through. i'd leave my house and go do stuff today but i'm not allowed. bed rest for the rest of this week. family has taken my car keys, i don't even have any cigarettes. i'm out of klonopins, i can barely drink water- i'm surprised i can still cry.

all i want is someone to hold me and let me cry and tell me it's gonna be ok.

i keep trying to be positive- he DID talk to me, he coulda hung up, he said he hopes he can forgive me too and that i can call him next week when he comes home from vacation.

dear god,

please send him back to me, please help me get well. i won't drink even a quarter of what i was drinking, even if that, and i'll continue to seek help with my therapists and doctors. once i can function again i will go back to the gym and keep trying to eat and do my best to be a good person. please help me get through this, and please let him realize how much he means to me and that i worry about him as well- please help him with his drinking and let him sober up and think about things. let him realize that i love him with all of my heart and that i will never do anything to hurt him again. please let him realize that he does love me and need me as much as i need him. i beg of you, please help.

so utterly sincerely i'm bawling as i write this,

mary