violently

I will get better. Nick and I will work things out. I will be strong. I will be happy.

I will.

P.S. Apparently there are a lot of inept nurses in the local hospitals around here- I look like the poster child for trackmarks 'r' us. Ooh I feel all sexy heroin chic. Yeah wrong.

One day at a time.

can't eat, can't keep anything down. i'm losing weight like you wouldn't believe. he has no idea what he is putting me through. i'd leave my house and go do stuff today but i'm not allowed. bed rest for the rest of this week. family has taken my car keys, i don't even have any cigarettes. i'm out of klonopins, i can barely drink water-...
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we're through. He won't talk to me. He won't listen to me, he hates me now.

I guess I deserve it, but what he drove me to...all the mind games, and lying....treating me like shit in public, but like a princess behind closed doors...I don't understand. Maybe it's for the best, I can't live my life in limbo waiting for him to sober up and...
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Bleah.

My stomach is still fucked up, I have horrible insomnia, and my new job is making me crazy because I have to do sales and I couldn't sell a lifejacket to a drowning man. Back to school I go. Again. Maybe this time around I'll become a nurse, or a P.E. Teacher. Christ I don't know; I should just apply at a beer factory...
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Anyone want to go to the beach and go skating with me?

We talked, we're taking a break, but neither of us want things to end- we both want things to go back to how they were in the beginning. I hope it's possible.

In the meantime I am spending a lot of time with my girl friends and this weekend plan on going to Rage to shake my ass like a cheap stripper. Also plan on...
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So much for staying positive...

Told me I'm a hassle and that he doesn't love me. I said ok, kissed him, said goodbye and walked out.

Didn't start bawling till I was on the freeeway.

And you know what's pathetic?

I miss him.

Someone come over and hold me k? I'll make you cookies.

Went to the doctor's finally. Got prescribed some new and interesting medications to make my tummy feel better: Klonopins and some ulcer crap. Unfortunately if this doesn't help I may have to go into the hospital for a few days. Joy oh joy.

So, now I am going to focus on the positive things in my life because stayin positive is what it's about right?...
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after 10 martinis everything tastes like salt and pepper.

i want someone to cuddle with me. but i still have some wits so i can't call the boy.

someone help.

yeah i'm gay, fugoff.

xoxox

You know, I guess he wouldn't be with me at all if he didn't feel the same way. He's had plenty of opportunities to leave me or whatever, and he hasn't. I turned into a emo mess this morning and afterwards we just laid in bed at watched Platoon. And he held my hand almost the entire time.

I need to learn how to stop...
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Me: You know, you're offending me.
Hot bartender I have no chance in hell with: I am?!
Me: Yes, you really need to stop being so fucking hot.

God I am smoove.