vervain______

the heat is on / the house is warm i have finally changed the little earring in my ear...now it has some red to it, although not what i intended. i think of it on me somewhere. a small bit of color and it satisfies. i was thinking of forgeting about the whole christmas thing but have been sucked into the idea of going back home to spend it with my family. i am deathly afraid of flying so it is always a wonder to me how i get there and back alive (i live in oregon, family lives in rhode island). now i will tempt fate again....but really, what would fate want with me anyway? i have also been procrastinating on studying for my final which is friday. i feel that my teacher, although wise and, i think, awe inspiring, has somehow abused her power and i don't like her anymore so i think of the class almost as if it is a crush turned bad. oh well. it will be interesting to see if i actually push through the bullshit and get something done. i am reading a good book called lost and i feel the main character pushing through me. also, another reason why i hate the holidays...certain people in my life expect gifts ( my stepmother who, all year long collects a bunch of cheesy ass items and then sends them in a box (kleenex, used items, banged up) for me at christmas. no thanks. i made sure to send her a card but she actually told me she was disappointed there were no gifts. now, of course, i feel evil obligation creeping in, which is a bitch for her because when i feel it, i go directly against whatever the obligation is (no gifts) it just pisses me off. i feel like, as long as we're being honest..let me tell you, i don't want any gifts. what's the point? to do something just to do it, even if it does'nt have any heart? i do like all the colored lights out there, though. they make me happy.